the other side

Dec 27, 2010

I went down to the river today

With blanket and journal I slid down the snow covered levy wall. Made my way in dress pants and heels to the rocks that line her banks and moved the untouched snow and ice from my favorite perch.

As I unwrapped my sandwich and opened my journal, I took a deep breath and looked around

She seems so different today... quieter, more serene, untouched save for the lone deer tracks leading to the waters edge.

The water flows more smoothly, the noise seems muffled and there is noone for what seems miles around despite the traffic passing overhead.
I begin to ask her where her peace comes from, and it is then I realize I am filled with the same peace.

I didn't bring her my usual angst and anxiety. No heavy burdons of sorrow and pain. I didn't pour my emptiness into her overfilled banks begging her to carry it away.

Today I came with peace and contentment. My puzzles are not all solved, my riddles still need solutions, my questions are no less complicated, but I came to her in thankfulness.

My tears were of joy and relief. Joy for the amazing gifts life has brought my way and relief that for the first time in what seems forever the knowledge that I can just be - and however I am is okay - has followed me into my day.

I am not seeking definition. I am not stressing the answers I don't have. I am not twisting and turning churning and running the hampster ragged searching for the plan and the directions for the next leg of this journey.

Maybe her peace is a reflection of mine, mirroring my security, my serenity, my knowledge that this journey will end exactly as it will and the love and joy I share along the way is the reward, not the destination.

So I sit in silence nourishing my body with my humble lunch while I let my soul soak in her beauty.

Its going to be alright.

I can just be

It is exactly as it seems, no riddle to solve, no game to play, no puzzle to unravel, no need to be three steps ahead...

Enjoy what is, she seems to say, for it is enough

And this time I believe her

what we have here is a failure to communicate

November 28, 2010

I always know the words

To tell the story
To paint the picture
To describe
To excite
To heal
To teach
But try as I might I don't have words for this

I know a lot of words
Big words
Little words
Pretty words
Crass words
Fifty cent meant to impress words
But I can't for the life of me put them together to explain

Even now the words fail to come

The dictionary and thesaurus which make up the greater part of my mind battle back and forth

Words fly like projectiles to a target, yet none find their way clear to settle on the page with clarity of purpose

Endless catalogues of definitions, connotations and significance swim around in my head

They jumble with song lyrics - the choruses and half known verses

Poems I read
Poems I wrote
Some finished and others forever left undone

Lines from movies with long ago forgotten plot twists and story lines

And thru the din and clutter three words rise to the top again and again

One idea that will not rest, instead it screams behind the veil of detachment, compassion and royal accomodation

One thought I cannot avoid when the subject rolls around yet never manage to let escape

What about me?

as i went down to the river to pray

Even the river moves slow today
As if she feels my lethargy
Like she too is overwhelmed and burdoned by her reality
To whom can she give her burdons?
With whom does the river share her fears and secrets and desires?
Where does she lay her weary head and cry her heavy tears?
Is there a shoulder for her to rest upon?
Are there arms that will fit around her wide banks
Lips that can cover her open mouth?
Hands that will caress her slow curves?
When she has had enough who will follow her twists and turns
Climb over her rocks, wade her boggy shores and brave her rapids?
Does she flow aimlessly praying that just maybe after the next bend someone will appear just in time?
Does she find comfort in the leaves and sticks keeping time with the rhythm of her flow, using her energy to make it to their next destination - or do they exhaust her?
Do the falls and dams build her up? Or drain her?
And does she love me as I love her?

As I come to sit by her side day after day, year after year - add my tears to her body and ask her to carry my fears and burdons down stream - praise her beauty and peace and thank her for her constant presence. I wonder, do I give her as much as she gives me or am I just one more creature taking what I need and leaving her to struggle on alone.

Does she know how much I need her?
How here by her side I can make sense of this crazy world.
Pray as I can pray no where else. Find patterns in the chaos and peace in the insanity. Here I can find purpose and meaning; regroup to head out and do whatever the world and my family and my God require of me.

The water is almost still now.
As if she heard me.
As if she stopped to make sure I know that she is always here - and I am always welcome

And she knows

a visit to my bridge

The water is so high today - and moving so fast. The rocks I usually use as my resting place are beneath the surface and the path is now just part of the flowing swirls.

Again I see my world in those swirling waters. Life is so full right now, but passing so quickly. I watch branches and leaves and the people I love being carried downstream being tossed around in the current. I know I can throw a line and bring them to the calm shores, but also have a great awareness that it isn't my job - and that in doing so I put myself at great risk. Instead I sit at the bank and watch their struggle knowing that as long as they don't go under that is my job. to pray for safety, pray they hear Gods guidance and hope they find their path. I listen and ask questions, give perspective and feedback and know that the journey is in the hands of the traveler and their guidance system - not the hands of those sent to love support and encourage them along their way.

I again look at the water and think about all the people who watch me, love me and pray for me as I struggle with the same current. We share some struggles, others are mine alone. I look back and see the places where I merely tread water - see where I swam - where I was drowning - where I reached for the lifejackets offered by the hands who love me - where I climbed in someone elses boat and allowed them take me down their path till I jumped ship and struck out on my own again. There is no judgement in watching my past journey - just a strong awareness of how each piece brought me to this place.

I see myself swimming now. I feel the short hesitant strokes becoming strong and confident. I feel the panic that I can't make it and watch myself stop and tread while looking for the way. I watch myself try to do it myself - as if I am the one marathoner who doesn't need the water station.

I laugh.

My journey is better for sharing it, my burdons lighter for sharing them. My joys brighter and my days easier. My struggles are mine - but what a blessing to know someone will always have a bank to rest upon when it becomes to great.

I look downriver and see my boat - my prize - the next milestone to mark this journey. I see how good it is to claim that boat - to row merrily and live the dream.

Its all there. Now to claim it as my own.

The water is high today - and moving so fast.

general saturday musings

ya ever meet that person who makes you question yourself - like everything about yourself - shakes your core and makes you take stock look around and wonder if you are good enough?

i heard once there are 3 stages of enlightenment

- those folks who are working on enlightenment or decidedly not working on enlightenment and tell you about the work they are doing or not doing
- those folks who have had a recent awakening or realization and tell you all about how aware and enlightened they are
- and those folks who get it - and know they get it and know they have lots to learn still and will always be working on it so they just do it

well it never fails - if you find yourself in any of those 3 categories and meet someone and really get involved and intimate with them and they are actively involved in another category it can rock you!

like when i first got divorced i did the run away and escape thing -i was ALWAYS busy - always had someplace to be - someone to see - something to do - then i hermitted up for a bit - then i got okay with being alone - comfortable wiht me - and now i have plans - or i dont - and i am okay either way

until someone in the busy stage suggests there is something wrong with my being okay with being alone - and then i wonder - am i regressing? - am i doing the right thing? am i avoiding life?

ya know what - I am good

i am in a good place in life

i can be with a variety of people who love me doing a variety of activities from paintballing to dancing to book discussions to bike rides - well you name it - one phone call and i am there

i have amazing kids who think its a good time to go out to breakfast with mom

i have books to read, bibles to study, movies to watch, computers to waste time on, thinks to think, car to drive.....i am good

and becuase you are in a different part of your journey - doesnt mean you are in better part or you are any better than me - or my flaws shine louder and my gifts arent at good

i am pretty amazing woman - i like being Jenn

so there

awfully familiar

I remember these walls, that gate, that garden

The bench I dragged in and painted just so to fix up the place

I thought I left it behind, scurried thru that crack in the west wall once - walked right out the gate a second time

Not sure why I come back here. It is pretty, my flower beds bloom with the flowers I like best. The shade under the red oak is perfect for an afternoon nap and nothing beats reading by the creek that runs thru the southern corner

But its kinda sad and dreary when the light shines brightly

And no one can really stay long - so it gets kinda lonely

And your visits aren't like they used to be

Not sure how long I can stay - or why I'd want to. A prison of my own design is still just that

so close and yet so far

The word safe keeps coming to mind.

I can't remember the last time I felt safe - well maybe I can. The last time I remember really sleeping thru the night - sleeping like a baby without the assitance of sleep medication was shortly after Felecia was born - when I was still at home. For 17 years I have slept restlessly - waking at noises - waking up to walk the house and check on the kids - waking up to finish a project - pay a bill - put in a movie and attempt to sleep again.

I wonder if I will ever feel secure again. If I will ever be able to close my eyes and nod off in the knowledge that there is nothing for me to do - that everything will wait for morning and if it doesn't - someone else can handle it.

I wonder if I will ever feel that way again. I have felt it in different places for a minute - for an hour - but I want it forever