clarity and confusion

They say we are all mirrors for one another
and what I see is just a reflection of what I am

they say we are here to provide learning opportunities
and life plays like a cd on repeat until my lesson is mastered

they say to be truely happy you must be enough for yourself
and until that day I will just keep attracting the pieces I am missing

they say if you know it and you dont do it then you dont know it
and then one day I do it
and I know it
and I live it

and I feel this amazing moment of power and clarity

and then I look around and realize that with clarity comes a new challenge

and with the challenge comes a new set of mirrors

clarity and confusion......

I am beginning to think they go hand in hand.

Some days I see my struggle so clearly

I see what I want - I feel so good to be me - in my life - with my struggles and my victories - with my friends and my daughters - with my cats and my life

I know what it feels like to love every piece of me- even the pieces I don't particularly like

and I wonder if I will ever get to a place where I don't let the reactions of some people......people who somehow I have attached extreme importance to their acceptance of me.....where their reactions - or lack of reactions - don't affect so negatively

and when i walk away - and realize that they got me again in that moment I am so frustrated that they did

the funny thing is when i lay down at night and snuggle up in my down comforter while the kitten attacks my feet and the big cat tries to get her to settle down I am content. I am so happy.

Not that I want to go to bed alone for the rest of my life - but at the end of the day I make me happy - I am enough and I make me smile - and I know that someday someone else who is enough for themselves will want to share space and time with me - and it will be good

and when the enigma wrapped up in a riddle who just manages to push enough of my buttons in all the right and all the wrong ways reacts cooly it unnerves me - and then I leave and I think about it - and I am still happy with me - and who I am - and who I am in the presence of others

and I wonder how the riddle got to me

and i wonder if I will ever be able to not be gotten

and then I have that moment of clarity - that leads to confusion - that leads to clarity

don't boo....just vote

It was a year ago that I met a man named Mike. Mike works with this amazing lady named Kathy and together they asked a lot of questions and told a lot of stories that completely changed the way I think about the world and my place in it.

I was able to get out of my head for a minute and realize that the pain and sadness and the anger I felt were only as powerful as I let them be. That the love I have always felt for people is really not love until I give it away. That life can be different - for me and for everyone around me, if only I give it a chance.

tonight I took my eldest daughter to listen to Barack Obama speak. I have never been a political rally kind of girl. I have gotten out of taking her to every other rally that has been around town. I have honestly had work to do those days and no way to reschedule the appointments, but I am not for a second going to pretend I wasn't relieved that we couldnt go.

I am not a huge political person - I HATE the finger pointing and the back biting and the slander thrown from camp to camp. I can't stand the bashing adn the name calling and the fact that it seems to be more about explaining why the other guy sucks then why the guy infront of you can do a good job.

Tonight I heard Barack Obama. He talked about what he wants to do. He talked about what he can do. He actually thanked John McCain for his service and his sacrifice. He thanked him for the good things he has done, but he said that he thinks McCain is not the man we need. Then instead of bashing McCain to hell and back he talked about the choices McCain made and why Obama feels that other choices would have been better. Then Sen Obama proceeded to tell us what he would do.

At one point he mentioned what McCain had done and the crowd started to boo - what an ugly sound. My stomach dropped and I was sure I was in for more hate speech and fear mongering - but then he said something that literally made me tear up. He said "Hey now....don't boo - Just Vote!"

I almost jumped out of my bleacher seat !! Here is a man teaching a crowd of people what their mothers should have taught them in childhood. Don't bash - dont get ugly - dont be hateful or rude or mean - do something to change it!

Life is really that simple - if you don't like what you are getting - then do something to change it

i listened a whole new way after that - this man not only believes in something different - he believes that there is a new way.

I thought about all the really good people who seem to be enthralled with the McCain ticket
and i realize that there were probably really good women who didn't understand why other women thought the right to vote was important

and there were probably really good men who felt the same

and if you could ask them today if given the chance they could go back and change their mind and their actions - they might take you up on that offer

but maybe not

so I hope that on tuesday my country will cast their vote for a new kind of election

for a new kind of campaign - for a way of life that doesnt involve hate speech and fear mongering

and maybe things can be different

and maybe in being different we can find more peace

love that life is full of mirrors

So I have been swimming in frustration lately - so many places i see people shutting down - it seems like I will meet someone - find them incredibly interesting - and they will start a conversation - open a door that looks like it might lead to friendship - or something - and then just shut down - completely -

It happens over and over - in all venues and aspects of my life

and finally I was just so frustrated - I wondered what I was doing that kept people from feeling like they could let me in - What was wrong with me that people didnt want me to be a part of their world

and then it occurs to me - was it them? or was it me?

do I let people in? do I really open myself up? do I really let myself need people?

when is the last time I told someone I needed something?
when is the last time I let someone help me?
when is the last time I admitted that I can't do it all by myself?

I will tell you - that I rely on myself becuase i am the only person who has never let me down

but am i really serving myself by not allowing myself to ask for help?
am I just letting myself down?

If you know it, but you dont do it - then you dont know it

If you always do what you always did you always get what you always got

If I want something different in my life I have to be willing to risk living in a different way

shit

now I have to prove I know it

Hot Dog!

a new old addiction

So recently I have decided that I deserve to have more words in my life. I have been reading for as long as I can remember - I honestly don't remember not having books around.

I remember being bored with the books at school and trying to read my Dad's books, but being mysteries filled with sex and violence he encouraged me to find something different - and I spent the summer reading Agatha Christie. TONS of them.

I remember finding the Sweet Valley High Series and begging for books every week - watching my parents try to figure out how to slow down my consumption of books -because I did devour them.

And then for a long time I didnt read at all - almost like I was punishing myself - I do that from time to time

and I began reading a few years ago -but bubble gum mostly - left over detective novels from my Dad - things to fill and pass the time - nothing serious - nothing that i could get lost in - just soemthing to keep my mind busy

lately I am reading things different - and reading different things

I have been getting lost again - lost in the words - in the pictures they paint - the feelings - the people - the worlds

just lost

and I forgot what it was like to read like this

and I love it

who gets to define culture

Holy Cow!

Seriously - I almost became unglued - he said pro abortion - like there is anyone in this world who has ever had to face that decision who decided that abortion was a great solution - like there is a woman who has had to ponder that choice who chose it as easily as she chooses the coffee she buys at Starbucks or the kind of gum she wants

like it is heart wrenching to consider and even when you choose life - like your child doesn't look at you one day and ask if you thought about it - like if you choose an abortion you aren't haunted for the rest of your life - that you dont look at children and figure out how old that child would have been - i am so grateful that i haven't had to experience that myself - but I do know a few people who have - and do - they still live with that pain

and i live with the fact that i had to make the choice - i mean you have met Fele and Em - you know my choice - but do you know the nights i sat up and pondered that? the nights I sat there stroking a belly that didnt even show signs of pregnancy talking to a collection of cells and apologizing that I was even thinking of choosing my life over theirs

do you know what that does? but if I hadn't chosen this life - if I hadn't chosen those girls - if someone had told me that i had no choice in that decision - that the newly defined american culture dicated that I suck it up and raise these children - can you even imagine how angry I would be at them -because this life has been hard - how cheated I could have felt of felt like i was punished becuase the birth control wasn't effective in my case - oops guess that implant idea was not a good method - or because the condom broke - not because I wasnt careful - but becuase I was that 2%

and when I worked two and three jobs - and I went without to make sure they had - and when I stayed awake nights worrying about doing it all myself - and when I am overwhelmed and there is no one to say - hey Jenn - dont worry I got you on this one - and when the child support doesnt arrive like it is supposed to

if i hadn't been able to say - yeah - this sucks - but it was such the right choice - that this is hard, but they are so worth it - that I couldnt say - hey I am SO glad that I chose my girls.

One day my then 14 year old daughter was getting really upset over a pro-life rant that was happening on TV - my father looked at her and said- hey - your mother is pro-life - and aren't you lucky she is

my little girl looked him straight in the eye and said - nope - my Mom is pro-choice - and she knew that chosing her life is a very different thing than having to pay the price and accepting responsibility for an obligation becuase you made a mistake

that is another thing she knows - when she was little she asked if she was a mistake - and I told her that she (and her sister) were a surprise - she asked what the difference was - and I told her a mistake is something that you wouldn't repeat - a surprise is something that you didnt know you wanted until you got it.

that man sat at that table tonight running for the highest office in the land and said that we needed to change the american culture - like he had the answers for the "culture" of all the people who live in this land

and the sad thing is that attitude is so un-american - apparently he didnt watch his School House Rock


My grandmother came from Russia
A satchel on her knee,
My grandfather had his father's cap
He brought from Italy.
They'd heard about a country
Where life might let them win,
They paid the fare to America
And there they melted in.

are you singing yet?

seriously - it was just too much

can you hear ms murray

I sit quietly surrounded by the din of the alley
and watch the dance

It is a dance, repeated time and time again generation after generation.

these steps are new, but familiar
The beat has changed as new partners bring their own drummer to the party

the drummers struggle for a mutual beat

mambos follow waltzes
salsa blends with a fox trot
a little boot scoot boogie becomes a tango

the answer isn't in the ability to dance

the question is .....do they want to sustain it?