the struggle to be alone -the desire not to be

Every now and again it occurs to me how hard I work to stay alone. I find when people want to love me, want to accept me, want to be part of my world that I push them away hard and fast. I find ways to pull away from them - cut them out - make real reasons that they cant be a part of my life and my world.

People tell me they like me - they love me - they want to be a part of my world and I dont understand why - I wonder what they are trying to pull or when they will pull the rug out from under me

and because i am convinced that will happen instead I choose to let people love me who have no intention of loving me back - they may use me - they may want or need me - but they dont want to love me or let me love them back

the people who want to be part of my world - who want to love me for who i am - who want to be a part of me - they are the ones i walk away from waiting for the pain

the ones i know will hurt me i hang around and wait for the pain - and it comes - and then they tell me how they are sorry and how they are not ready for or worthy of my love

see - it is work to stay alone

it is work to make sure that I stay alone - and the work is making me so tired

i dont want to be alone anymore

but i dont know how to stop the knee jerk reaction that keeps me safe- or rather gave me the lie of safety

i caught myself this time - i told the folks i was pushing awy that i knew i was pushing

and i wonder if that is why i have been alone so long - because when folks come in my world i walk away and push away

and when i see someone who i know will bring me pain i jump in and volunteer for punching bag duty

i think the scariest place to be is where I see the road I have been traveling - I see the circles I have been walking and know that in order to have what I want I need to step off the path and be willing to explore where I havent been before

damn that grass is tall