a fortunate accident

I spend my life with what ifs...... with watched words - with baited breath hoping someone else will open the door and then I can just walk thru

I like to be invited - I want someone else to match my risk

but it needs to be my risk - or it can't be my gain


I wrote that about a year ago - almost like a land mark - one I keep passing over and over

I thought I was walking in circles - coming back to the same place - over and over again - like I wasn't actually getting anywhere

and then I looked - it isn't that I wasn't getting anywhere - it isn't that I am walking in the same circles over and over again - it isn't that i am stuck - even though it feels that way

i simply am walking in ever narrowing circles around the goal

i keep passing the same landmark - only it gets farther away each time I pass it - and my destination seems to be getting closer.

i have to believe I am on my way - i dont know where - i just keep hoping i am not alone at the end of the road

the struggle to be alone -the desire not to be

Every now and again it occurs to me how hard I work to stay alone. I find when people want to love me, want to accept me, want to be part of my world that I push them away hard and fast. I find ways to pull away from them - cut them out - make real reasons that they cant be a part of my life and my world.

People tell me they like me - they love me - they want to be a part of my world and I dont understand why - I wonder what they are trying to pull or when they will pull the rug out from under me

and because i am convinced that will happen instead I choose to let people love me who have no intention of loving me back - they may use me - they may want or need me - but they dont want to love me or let me love them back

the people who want to be part of my world - who want to love me for who i am - who want to be a part of me - they are the ones i walk away from waiting for the pain

the ones i know will hurt me i hang around and wait for the pain - and it comes - and then they tell me how they are sorry and how they are not ready for or worthy of my love

see - it is work to stay alone

it is work to make sure that I stay alone - and the work is making me so tired

i dont want to be alone anymore

but i dont know how to stop the knee jerk reaction that keeps me safe- or rather gave me the lie of safety

i caught myself this time - i told the folks i was pushing awy that i knew i was pushing

and i wonder if that is why i have been alone so long - because when folks come in my world i walk away and push away

and when i see someone who i know will bring me pain i jump in and volunteer for punching bag duty

i think the scariest place to be is where I see the road I have been traveling - I see the circles I have been walking and know that in order to have what I want I need to step off the path and be willing to explore where I havent been before

damn that grass is tall

loving Maugham......

today I read these words...

"You know, there are two good thins in life, freedom of thought and freedom of action. In France you get freedom of action; you can do what you like and nobody bothers, but you must think like everyone else. In Germany you must do what everybody else does, but you may think as you choose. They're both very god things. I personally prefer freedom of thought. But in England you get neither: you're ground down by convention. You can't think as you like and you can't act as you like. That is because it's a democratic nation. I expect America's worse."

Wow - what a great thought. I am finding a lot I enjoy in On Human Bondage -
I am finding a million words and ideas that get my little brain thinking. Descriptions of young Phillip as he grows up and the way his mind works with and against his body - or actually his foot

but this idea that you can have freedom of thought OR freedom of action - but not both

that is sticking - stuck all afternoon actually and finally brought me here to try and work it out.

I know that modern times tell you that you can have both - that you can live your life as you wish between your ears adn in your world - but can you?

there are costs for living life as you wish - there is a price for thinking for yourself - for not conforming to the world around you - and if that world is a good place then the risk isn't so great - you think and behave as the good folks around you and you can live a pleasant life

if you think and behave in a way that causes others to be uncomfortable then there is a price

so I was telling a friend that my sister came home for christmas with a surprise - a little decoration in her lower lip. I told him that I was worried for her - she was entering a nursing career and the rules on the floor are so strict - heck it is even hard to be an ugly nurse - let alone a nurse who has chosen to express some individuality

his response was - oh so you have something against piercings? because my fiance (who you are meeting in a day or so) has several

I was honest - no - I think the right piercing on the right face is down right hot - but I worry for my sister that she wont be able to find a job despite the fact that she is a fricking genius and no one can compare with her patient care skills - because of this sign of individuality

so - again freedom of thought and freedom of action

my hair is often the topic of conversation at work. Many love my hair - they love the expression - the colors - the vibrancy - the fact that it is "so you" - but my boss is always telling me - if your hair makes people uncomfortable then you have to work twice has hard to get to ground zero before you can even begin the sale - in sales it pays to be neutral

but I can't be neutral - it makes me feel lost

so freedom of thought or freedom of action

conformity

sticks and stones can break my bones

but words can never hurt me

what a load of shit we try and sell children!

Words hurt - they hurt worse than just about anything.

I would gladly take a beating before I ever subjected myself to hateful words willingly.

some of the worst wounds i have ever faced were words said to sting - to hurt - to cut deep - and the did

some became the rules i lived by - some became the things i believed about myself, even though i could never quite see what they were saying

and still i battle believing the words people say in anger, or fear, or hatred. I still battle balancing the good words I hear daily with the hateful words I hear every now and again

amazing how one person can say something completely callous and uncaring and regardless of how little that person knows me - or how little significance they have in my daily life those words ring out in my head over and over despite the fact that i have heard words to the contrary every day of my life over and over again

and the good words stay with you - but they dont speak as loudly

i can remember people telling me they love me
or i am beautiful
why do you hide those eyes behind those dark glasses
nothing shines as bright as your smile
days just seem brighter when you are around
i love to hear you laugh
no one makes me laugh like you do
thanks for being my friend
thanks for being my momm
i love you

and yet - when it is quiet - if I am not careful - if i dont banish them - if i am not on guard against them i hear

you are so ugly
why would anyone love you
you are so lucky that anyone loves you
i will be more popular if you are not my friend
its a good thing the kids look like me -life will be easier for them that way
dont you ever shut up
what makes you think anyone ever wants to hear anything you say
snausages
because i have gotten to know you on many levels, and none of them are attractive

but those things are not the truth - not even close
and when it really gets quiet - and i remember to listen to the voice in my heart instead of the voices stuck in my head i know that

when i listen to those that love me instead of those that intend to just hurt me

i know

but when someone tells my darling daughter that words can't hurt - i have to look at her and tell her the truth

be careful what you say - you can't take it back - and words hurt harder and longer than any fist - any kick - any punch - any blow you will ever receive

I can also tell her that she can choose to believe what she wants

she can believe what she knows in her heart - or let the hateful words of petty pre-teens, angsty teenagers or angry sisters change who she believes herself to be.

sometimes there is a lesson in angry words - somethign to learn about how you react to things when you are reacting from fear -how you react to the world around you -

but never are there lessons to be learned about who you are at heart

never should you base your opinion of yourself on such hateful words
never should you judge your heart on those words
and never should you believe them about yourself - if you know that when you let your guard down - live in the moment and live in love you are a very different person

still watching those patterns

Okay - so I know regardless it's gonna hurt - i mean if it works - if it doesn't - good or bad - regardless I know it's gonna hurt some time.

so - I watch my choices - watch my decisions - watch the doors I choose to walk thru and the places I choose to open myself up.

When I decide to open up - even a little bit - I am still picking safe choices - okay makes sense in a warped and convuluted way. I mean if you were starting to train for a marathon you wouldn't try and run 26 miles the first day - would you?

So I start opening myself up it bits and pieces - little things here and there -showing more of who I am and less of the masks that keep me safe - and I start with people who were there when I started this process - and then I keep finding safe people - safe for whatever reason - because they sought me out - because they really dont expect much of me so I can just be real - and on some level safe because I can stop and look and see that they are incredibly closed down themselves, so they of coarse will fight to keep walls up and therefore my openess is really no risk - because they wont let me in

the problem is my old script says when they dont let me in that there then must be something wrong with me - they reject me because i am not good enough - so for a minute I let myself believe that - for a minute - in the moment - struggle with my worth because they either reject me out of hand or just subtlely reject me - they stay closed off - wont let me in - insult me in a grade-school kinda way - write rules that I cant keep track of - flip on and off like a light switch - live like 2 different people - the one I know and the one everyone else sees

and I let myself believe for a minute that it is my fault - something I have done wrong - something about me that brings out that behavior in other people

but really it is just them - their rules - thier script - their reaction to things that scare them, or upset them, or make them nervous or angry or whatever

As long as I am being me - I mean really being myself - and being open and honest and just allowing myself to be real and in the moment - then other people's reactions belong to them - and it isn't personal! i mean it's not about me!

I can't take it personally - praise or criticism - not personal - when people are open and loving back or when they are mean and closed - it isnt personal

so I know it - and i catch it within minutes of the interaction - and yet.....i keep repeating the pattern

if someone can not be honest about themselves - their situation - they feel the need to create several realities and keep them all seperate and warn folks who cross over what is safe and what is not

or maybe they flip on and off like a light switch - kind one moment - cruel the next - flirty and fun one minute - cruel and disinterested the next - If I am the same in both instances - in all interactions then it isnt about me

it isn't personal

and I can't allow myself to let my self worth be tied up in other peoples reactions to me - good or bad - I just cant do it anymore

and yes - by sticking with safe folks who I know how they will react and I can continue to struggle with these old lessons and pretend not to understand is far safer than what will happen when someone decides to reciprocate my openness with their own

it is all terrifying

and all frustrating

makes my happy little cave for winter look really tempting

but I dont want that for myself

not anymore

the trouble with patterns

Here is the thing about patterns - once you see them you can't ignore them

try it sometime - once you see a pattern in the random swirl you will never see randomness again - you just can't

and once you identify a pattern in your life - you can never pretend it doesnt exist again

I keep seeing the same thing play out in my life - opening the door to relationships with people who are very much one way when one on one - but very different when around other people - or opening myself up to people who are so worried about the appearance of things that they change their behaviors, their level of honesty, their actions and reactions, even their definition of our relationship based on who is around, what others might think of the situation, and how it will work out for them in the end.

Sometimes it is simple little things - depending on their level of safety in the interaction they may change from incredibly flirtatious to giving the cold shoulder in a matter of minutes or from interaction to interaction - or despite me just being me- they say some of the most cold and evil things - and somehow I had it in my head that thier opinion of me mattered - like despite the fact that they really dont know me - or who i am that their opinion (or lack there of) meant more than the people who know me - and love me and tell me on a regular basis that they miss being around me - or maybe even my opinion of me......i mean I really like me - I think i am actually pretty fun - and their behavior - while it shouldnt have surprised me - really crushed my feelings there for a bit

these are people (yes - people as in more than one) who if you look at their life - and their choices you can see that they don't allow themselves to be happy - not really - they are either in self destructive patterns - or just keep themselves seperate from the rest of the world in some way - not only do they have figurative walls- in a lot of ways they keep physical barriers to intimacy up

maybe they aren't quite honest about their situation - or they filter the truth depending on who they are talking to - so to tell any story they are involved in you must first try and figure out how much of the truth they may have shared with the crowd you are in - sometimes you realize that in an effort to save face -or make sure they get what they need out of the situation they only reveal a partial truth - or only hint at what is really going on - and then when they finally come clean - and really open up about what is going on and admit that they weren't quite honest about things - and tell me how badly they feel about their lack of complete honesty - i listen to it - like their guilt has anything to do with their choices - instead of letting them know how angry I was with their lack of consideration for my feelings in the situation - I listened to their problems and then offered some advice - well maybe not advice but the guidance they were asking for - i was more worried about their feelings in the matter - and their feelings of guilt about their lack of honesty than I was about the fact that I had been treated disrespected

that is my pattern - I put myself in a position where when disrespcted or disregarded instead of standing up for myself - or taking a stand - or just flat out saying how i feel - I spend my energy worrying about how they feel that caused them to choose to react that way to me- and how I can accomodate them to make them more comfortable so they can be more open or honest - and it must be something I did or didnt are arent doing - because if I just understand and I just make sure they know they are accepted then they really will be more consistent in their treatment of my feelings - right???

and my friends sit and watch these interactions - and they ask me why i would consider allowing people to treat me this way- why I would tolerate that kind of disrespectful treatment

and the pattern is not honoring myself - not respecting myself and my value in a situation

not believing for every minute of every encounter that I am worthy

that is the trouble with patterns

once you identify them - you can't ignore them

even if you dont know how to fix them

thoughts after Obamas victory

Looking for a book to read - try this one

It has changed the way I look at the world. In it a very simple but mind blowing concept is discussed. The difference between power and force. That power is based in the truth - that it is self sustaining and based in love and faith and trust.

that force is based in fear and to lead by force there has to be a risk - something to lose - that a belief can be planted that unless you follow the force you will lose more than if you stand up for what you believe. It can not be self sustaining and is not a natural choice.

When I first heard Barack Obama speak I said that there was something about him - that he was leading from a place of power while I saw McCain leading from a very familiar place of force

I said I heard something in his words that spoke to me on a level I didnt realize was listening - that he touched something in me that was so real and so amazing

I heard power and I felt love and honor and faith and trust

and tonight listening to his acceptance speech and listening him invoke the words and the timbre of Lincoln and King.....and listening him talk about what we need to do - and how this victory and this job was ours - not just his

I just kept crying - sobbing really - I couldnt stop - many times during his speech I just broke down in waves of un-controllable tears - not tears of sadness - the kind of tears you cry at a wedding - or when a baby is born

it felt like hope - and a blessing and a long time coming

it felt like something I have been holding my breath for - something I have been waiting for for a long long time now

it felt like i was crying tears for a lot of people - not just for me - it felt like I was part of something bigger - a wave of hope and pride - of relief and joy - of celebration for a day that we thought would never come

and while I am so scared - so nervous - so afraid of what will happen and how people will react - I am so excited about the possibility of a country that is led by a man who expects and encourages us to be a part - and to be a part of something that is grounded in such power