Very very interesting
Not sure why I am writing publically so much lately. I never seem to be able to put this stuff into words when I am talking to friends, and I have filled pages in my journal this morning on the topic, but I can't let it go yet. Somehow this is different - hopefully different enough.
Got an interesting email the other day. Background - I am not good at standing up for myself. I will accommodate people till I have given everything and never ask for my moment. I often know exactly what I need to do, and won't follow thru on it for any reason, cause I am afraid to make waves. Funny how I am exactly the opposite in my professional world. Anyway, the email. It was from a guy I dated after my divorce. In it he talks about his recent attempt at starting something again. I avoided him, caved up and played hermit. Didn't answer his phone calls. One word responses to his texts, avoided any reason to go to where he was, and when I did have to go I made sure I was with friends so I had a barrier.
I know why I wasn't interested in rekindling things, but his perspective on the matter was interesting. He nailed it as a worthyness issue. That I didn't feel that I deserved to be treated well. That I didn't feel like I should be among the priorities in someones world. That I was okay taking a backseat to jobs and kids and hobbies and anyone who would make me important in their world was out of luck - cause I would cling to someone who ignores me.
Huh - I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with worthyness - but I don't know if he is on the mark here. I have no problem taking a back seat to kids - kids need to come first! I don't really believe I need to be the center focus of anyones world. I just want to be part of the inner circle. Live your day - fill it - and if at the end of the night you come home and want to share it with me then I am good - cause chances are I will have been out doing my thing too.
There are many reasons I did not want to rekindle that relationship....but I wonder - will I ever put effort into dating someone who treats me the way he claims I should be treated? Will I ever be able to let go of my independence enough to completely let someone in? Even if I meet someone and they start out paying me the kind of attention most women expect - I think my lack of need to be the focus and undemanding nature leads to them quickly change the focus to themselves....or maybe I am still making bad choices :)
I don't know - I recently discovered that I am not as okaywith being alone as I once was. In conversations with my daughter I have also discovered she feels I am either a good executive or a good mom. She then went onto clarify that even when being a bad mom I am far better than most of the mom population - she just misses the kind of mom I was when I stayed home and it was my only job. I think I view dating the same way - how do I maintain my independence and open myself up to someone.
Too many thoughts swimming around in my little head today. Taking them for a walk along the levy. Bringing a towell to dry my park bench and see if I can straighten it out. Didn't want to be dating again when I found myself in the process....and then I wasn't.....and now I wish I were. Backwards huh
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
water ways
I have always been drawn to water in motion. I love the ocean, but not near as much as lakes and rivers. The motion of the waters in the ocean are so chaotic. Constant churning and the rhythmic beating of the waves. After awhile I feel a lot of anxiety, a lot of restlessness. It is if the pounding waves have somehow transferred that extra energy to me.
Rivers are different. The water tumbles and babbles. Rushes sometimes - but always with direction and purpose. I can watch it and feel its purpose. Kinda helps me center myself. I set my anxieties afloat and watch them be carried away. I can feel the water's source - like the energy flowing my way.
Lakes are for peace. When I am at rest - just take me out on a boat - give me a book and a big floppy hat and my polarized sunglasses (and some spf 45 cause I am a pale girl) and just let me drift away. Somedays I want a pen and my journal and there I can write it all down - better than setting it afloat - cause on paper I own it.
Then there are the days lakes bring adventure. Floating strings of pontoon boats - music laughter and dancing. A red neck yaught club at its best. I watch the speed boats fly by faster than I can even imagine....recently I have learned how fast they can go - staggering really. Maybe motion over water would be just as freeing - I may never know.
There are two places here in town I go when my head is swimming - both on the great miami. The first is at the levy. There are some swinging benches - mine is the first one from the north bridge. Bring a jacket to curl up behind my back and I can sit for hours. Many tears have been shed on that bench. The bike cops know me and rarely hassel me when they see me there after hours. They seem to know when they should stop and chat and when to ride by. If my friends see me there they don't check the temperature - they know I don't go there happy - so they often come and sit and swing with me.....but they want to talk about it. I don't often go there when I am ready to talk - its where I sort it all out. I have this dream (I guess you would call it a dream) that someday there will be someone who knows to find me there. They will just pick up my feet - lay them in their lap. Rest their hand on my leg and then just sit with me - not worrying about when I will let it go - just knowing eventually I will - and that just being there is enough. Like I said - its a dream
The second place is along the same river - just at a different bend. There I sit on a marble bench dedicated to someone. It sits next to a covered bridge - and the water moves faster and is a bit lower here. I write a lot at this bridge. I go there when I am on the phone - when the conversation is easy and when its not. My friends haven't discovered my affinity for this bridge yet - but they will find me there - they always seem to find me when I try to hide. The road noise is louder and there is a ball field not far away - but I seem to be able to tune them all out.
I should have listened to myself and gone to the water today. Instead I tried to stay on task - kids - work - all that good stuff.
But maybe tomorrow. The water is definately calling
Rivers are different. The water tumbles and babbles. Rushes sometimes - but always with direction and purpose. I can watch it and feel its purpose. Kinda helps me center myself. I set my anxieties afloat and watch them be carried away. I can feel the water's source - like the energy flowing my way.
Lakes are for peace. When I am at rest - just take me out on a boat - give me a book and a big floppy hat and my polarized sunglasses (and some spf 45 cause I am a pale girl) and just let me drift away. Somedays I want a pen and my journal and there I can write it all down - better than setting it afloat - cause on paper I own it.
Then there are the days lakes bring adventure. Floating strings of pontoon boats - music laughter and dancing. A red neck yaught club at its best. I watch the speed boats fly by faster than I can even imagine....recently I have learned how fast they can go - staggering really. Maybe motion over water would be just as freeing - I may never know.
There are two places here in town I go when my head is swimming - both on the great miami. The first is at the levy. There are some swinging benches - mine is the first one from the north bridge. Bring a jacket to curl up behind my back and I can sit for hours. Many tears have been shed on that bench. The bike cops know me and rarely hassel me when they see me there after hours. They seem to know when they should stop and chat and when to ride by. If my friends see me there they don't check the temperature - they know I don't go there happy - so they often come and sit and swing with me.....but they want to talk about it. I don't often go there when I am ready to talk - its where I sort it all out. I have this dream (I guess you would call it a dream) that someday there will be someone who knows to find me there. They will just pick up my feet - lay them in their lap. Rest their hand on my leg and then just sit with me - not worrying about when I will let it go - just knowing eventually I will - and that just being there is enough. Like I said - its a dream
The second place is along the same river - just at a different bend. There I sit on a marble bench dedicated to someone. It sits next to a covered bridge - and the water moves faster and is a bit lower here. I write a lot at this bridge. I go there when I am on the phone - when the conversation is easy and when its not. My friends haven't discovered my affinity for this bridge yet - but they will find me there - they always seem to find me when I try to hide. The road noise is louder and there is a ball field not far away - but I seem to be able to tune them all out.
I should have listened to myself and gone to the water today. Instead I tried to stay on task - kids - work - all that good stuff.
But maybe tomorrow. The water is definately calling
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
starting again already?
Its one of those days....one of the days when I wonder how I am supposed to do all of this. How am I supposed to develop a career that will allow me to support my children and give them every opportunity while getting the laundry done and keeping some semblence of a clean house and get them to soccer practice and band practice on time even while still having time to pick up binders for music and socks for soccer? Wow that sentence was Brontesque for sure!
I mean I am one woman - an amazing woman (sorry couldnt resist) but one woman none the less. Here's the thing ......I want my life back. I want to just be the Mom. It is all I ever wanted to be....and on days like today I feel like it was stolen from me. Cause when I wanted to be fussing over soccer socks and band music and making sure I made dinner for my kids I was stressing over sales calls and budget numbers and making sure I was prepared for the billing meeting tomorrow. When I wanted to be taking my daughter to soccer practice so I could watch her coach run her ass into the ground....I came back to the office to finish some things up. My friend got to make my little one dinner and watch her run her ass into the ground. My friend gets to listen to the chatter in the backseat on the way home from practice - and everyone knows when you want to know what Em thinks you have to get first story.
And Em would rather be there than home - and it breaks my heart. She tells me it is like a family there. They have a Mom and a Dad and a trampoline and people to play with - at home Fele just likes to fight with her - the house is small and it isnt the same.
I want my life back - or atleast the opportunity to rebuild one.....but today that feels like a distant possibility. I spent too many years being angry and not enough time being open to things. I think I have met my cosmic lesson on closing yourself off from the world...karma is a bitch - and while I have always claimed to like her that way - today I am not so sure.......and yet I wait. I get closer daily - I get nods and signals - but no real invitiation - and yet walking away seems like it would be a HUGE mistake. Meanwhile I toil away at a job I once was so excited to have, but now fail to see the appeal - and fill my nights so full I cant possibly have a chance to feel lonely or sad.
and when I get home and the world quiets down my phone rings and that window that shows me what I used to have opens.....dammit I didnt miss it till I could hear it and smell it.
and tomorrow I will wake up and know I can handle it all. And Em will come home, and Fele will get her license and a car taking some of the pressure off and I will rock my sales calls and the center will continue to grow and all will be okay.
but today - it sucks HARD
I mean I am one woman - an amazing woman (sorry couldnt resist) but one woman none the less. Here's the thing ......I want my life back. I want to just be the Mom. It is all I ever wanted to be....and on days like today I feel like it was stolen from me. Cause when I wanted to be fussing over soccer socks and band music and making sure I made dinner for my kids I was stressing over sales calls and budget numbers and making sure I was prepared for the billing meeting tomorrow. When I wanted to be taking my daughter to soccer practice so I could watch her coach run her ass into the ground....I came back to the office to finish some things up. My friend got to make my little one dinner and watch her run her ass into the ground. My friend gets to listen to the chatter in the backseat on the way home from practice - and everyone knows when you want to know what Em thinks you have to get first story.
And Em would rather be there than home - and it breaks my heart. She tells me it is like a family there. They have a Mom and a Dad and a trampoline and people to play with - at home Fele just likes to fight with her - the house is small and it isnt the same.
I want my life back - or atleast the opportunity to rebuild one.....but today that feels like a distant possibility. I spent too many years being angry and not enough time being open to things. I think I have met my cosmic lesson on closing yourself off from the world...karma is a bitch - and while I have always claimed to like her that way - today I am not so sure.......and yet I wait. I get closer daily - I get nods and signals - but no real invitiation - and yet walking away seems like it would be a HUGE mistake. Meanwhile I toil away at a job I once was so excited to have, but now fail to see the appeal - and fill my nights so full I cant possibly have a chance to feel lonely or sad.
and when I get home and the world quiets down my phone rings and that window that shows me what I used to have opens.....dammit I didnt miss it till I could hear it and smell it.
and tomorrow I will wake up and know I can handle it all. And Em will come home, and Fele will get her license and a car taking some of the pressure off and I will rock my sales calls and the center will continue to grow and all will be okay.
but today - it sucks HARD
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
a thought for the day....from the pages of my childhood
books have always been a constant in my house - my Mom and Dad read to us until we could read to ourselves and I remember many nights lying between my sisters beds on the floor reading to them begging my Mom to let me read "just one more".....I have done the same for my girls, even as recently as a few months ago reading aloud to Felecia from a book she had to read for school that she hated so much she couldnt make herself read one more word. in books I have found dreams and escape and most of all inspiration. The greatest gift I ever got was shortly after my divorce when I was getting set up in my first solo apartment and beginning the task of being sole provider for my girls. I got a gift from my parents, attached was the line "a home for a bunny, a home of her own" I cried and cried.....next Christmas my Dad bought me the book - and it sits on my bookshelf next to all the other books I can not imagine not owning. such amazingly strong power in such simple words......
this week it has been a different bunny book from my childhood that is coming back to me.
the other day this passage showed up in my mailbox.....
The Velveteen Rabbit is a classy book for children with a message for adults. In it is a revealing nursery dialogue between a new toy rabbit and an old skin horse. As they are lying side by side one day, Rabbit asks Horse:
"What is REAL?" . . . "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
That's the thing about real.....the greatest compliment I have ever received is that I was one of the most real people someone has ever met. Real isnt about how pretty you are, how well you dress, how eloquently you speak or what car you drive. It isnt about the house you live in or even the books you have read - its about the way you live and love. Its the magic in acceptance without judgement. It is the sheer joy of loving people for who they are and where they are. It is living in the now- loving this moment in time and being fully present and letting the past and future take care of themselves. It is the way I want to be.
Recently I was looking at photos with a dear friend. the picture was of her and her new husband. He was leaning against a post and she was leaning into him - and the way they looked at eachother was the epitome of every love story you have ever read. It was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever seen....the picture was taken on the beach, the wind was blowing her hair, the dress was floating around her but all I could see was the look in their eyes......I dream of the day when someone will look at me that way - like the rest of the world disappears and it is all about that one moment and the two of us (but I digress). Anyway.....that picture started a long discussion about asthetics - what was more important - the hair out of place or the look in his eyes as the looked at her. I didn't know how to tell her - no one would see the hair - they would be captured by her smile and his eyes.
I should have read her the Velveteen Rabbit
Velveteen Love Song
My coat is all tattered and worn to shreds My whiskers have wandered away.I picked up some dirt in some flower beds I think that it’s in there to stay.But deep in your eyes are a needle and thread And a wonder that scrubs me so clean.I see in their mirror, I’m beautiful. I pose and I laugh and I preen. My bottom’s as stout as it’s always been. And maybe a little bit more?I never believed they were good for much‘cept keeping my ears off the floor;But then when you take me and toss me high, I fly like the fleetest Gazelle.And the joy that my dusty heart takes in your touchis more then a rabbit can tell My eyes are just buttons of two penny glass They’re either too brown or too green.One of them might not stay on too much longer.There’s plenty they’ve both never seen.But they see my way clear to a home in your heart. I live in the love that you feel.And there of all places , A place of my ownWhere a velveteen rabbit is real.
— Velveteen Love Song by Bob Franke
this week it has been a different bunny book from my childhood that is coming back to me.
the other day this passage showed up in my mailbox.....
The Velveteen Rabbit is a classy book for children with a message for adults. In it is a revealing nursery dialogue between a new toy rabbit and an old skin horse. As they are lying side by side one day, Rabbit asks Horse:
"What is REAL?" . . . "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
That's the thing about real.....the greatest compliment I have ever received is that I was one of the most real people someone has ever met. Real isnt about how pretty you are, how well you dress, how eloquently you speak or what car you drive. It isnt about the house you live in or even the books you have read - its about the way you live and love. Its the magic in acceptance without judgement. It is the sheer joy of loving people for who they are and where they are. It is living in the now- loving this moment in time and being fully present and letting the past and future take care of themselves. It is the way I want to be.
Recently I was looking at photos with a dear friend. the picture was of her and her new husband. He was leaning against a post and she was leaning into him - and the way they looked at eachother was the epitome of every love story you have ever read. It was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever seen....the picture was taken on the beach, the wind was blowing her hair, the dress was floating around her but all I could see was the look in their eyes......I dream of the day when someone will look at me that way - like the rest of the world disappears and it is all about that one moment and the two of us (but I digress). Anyway.....that picture started a long discussion about asthetics - what was more important - the hair out of place or the look in his eyes as the looked at her. I didn't know how to tell her - no one would see the hair - they would be captured by her smile and his eyes.
I should have read her the Velveteen Rabbit
Velveteen Love Song
My coat is all tattered and worn to shreds My whiskers have wandered away.I picked up some dirt in some flower beds I think that it’s in there to stay.But deep in your eyes are a needle and thread And a wonder that scrubs me so clean.I see in their mirror, I’m beautiful. I pose and I laugh and I preen. My bottom’s as stout as it’s always been. And maybe a little bit more?I never believed they were good for much‘cept keeping my ears off the floor;But then when you take me and toss me high, I fly like the fleetest Gazelle.And the joy that my dusty heart takes in your touchis more then a rabbit can tell My eyes are just buttons of two penny glass They’re either too brown or too green.One of them might not stay on too much longer.There’s plenty they’ve both never seen.But they see my way clear to a home in your heart. I live in the love that you feel.And there of all places , A place of my ownWhere a velveteen rabbit is real.
— Velveteen Love Song by Bob Franke
Thursday, May 21, 2009
who what when why how
who what when why how
I stopped dreaming again
I'm not sure when
I locked it down
the passion that filled my days
the fire that burned so brightly
back behind an iron wall
I stopped feeling love again
I'm not sure why
I put it away
the joy I let fill my heart
the glue that holds the cracks together
cast aside like a broken toy
I stopped living again
I'm not sure how
I fake it well
stringing together moments to fill the void
choosing numbness over pain or joy
once so full I could feel my skin fighting to contain it all
I stopped believing again
I'm not sure in who
I want it back
the knowledge that this is perfect
the truth that this is where I want to be
needing to be here and now
I stopped fighting again
I'm not sure what
I will fight
for being a part of my own magic
for living the in present moment
knowing it is the only one that matters
secure the love is worth it
I stopped dreaming again
I'm not sure when
I locked it down
the passion that filled my days
the fire that burned so brightly
back behind an iron wall
I stopped feeling love again
I'm not sure why
I put it away
the joy I let fill my heart
the glue that holds the cracks together
cast aside like a broken toy
I stopped living again
I'm not sure how
I fake it well
stringing together moments to fill the void
choosing numbness over pain or joy
once so full I could feel my skin fighting to contain it all
I stopped believing again
I'm not sure in who
I want it back
the knowledge that this is perfect
the truth that this is where I want to be
needing to be here and now
I stopped fighting again
I'm not sure what
I will fight
for being a part of my own magic
for living the in present moment
knowing it is the only one that matters
secure the love is worth it
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
a fine line
There is a really fine line between trusting someone and allowing that trust to keep you from making choices you feel are best
example - my kid - my oldest is amazing! she is truely trustworthy. lately i she has been spending more time with her boyfriend - no biggie - but at my house - still no biggie- but when I am not home - BIGGIE!
do i trust her - yes
is she a teenager who can be carried away by a moment and make a choice that will change the direction of her life? yes
is her boyfriend a good kid? yes
is he a teenage bundle of male hormones and one thing on his mind? yes
do i think she is stupid, thoughless or careless? no
do i want to see her struggle the rest of her life - no, not if i can help it?
have i raised her to be an incredible young woman who knows what she wants and isnt going to let anyone push her around? yes
is she still plagued by the same self-esteem issues that lead most girls to give in? yes
is she strong? yes
do i know, maybe better than most, that strong people have sometimes a greater need for love and acceptance and just want to hear for one minute that they dont have to be so strong? yes
do I trust her? yes - absolutely
does that mean I just disregard my gut instincts and allow her ample opportunity? no
I know what teenagers are capable of - I was one - and it wasn't that long ago
i have friends who are men who remember what it was like to be a teenage boy- friends who deal with the aftermath of that kind of thing every day - people who care so they give me shit
- it is their way of saying - hey - I know you are the mom who knows your kid - but be careful - you didnt get your tubes tied to raise a grandchild
she comes from fertile stock - both of my kids were born despite my best attempts and birth control
what if the same thing happens?
she doesnt have to like me - and she doesnt have to understand
she can say things like - great - now we have the same mother daughter relationship as everyone else I know - I thought you trusted me - I thought you were different
she can say it - and I know we have the same relationship we have always had
I know I know her - I also know that I still struggle with decisions when hormones are involved
so she doesnt like me - meh
I would like her to like me - but that isn't my job
my job is to get her to adulthood in as close to one piece as possible - use my experience and knowledge to protect her when i can - and hope she will learn from my mistakes
i know she has to make her own
i just dont have to make it easy
example - my kid - my oldest is amazing! she is truely trustworthy. lately i she has been spending more time with her boyfriend - no biggie - but at my house - still no biggie- but when I am not home - BIGGIE!
do i trust her - yes
is she a teenager who can be carried away by a moment and make a choice that will change the direction of her life? yes
is her boyfriend a good kid? yes
is he a teenage bundle of male hormones and one thing on his mind? yes
do i think she is stupid, thoughless or careless? no
do i want to see her struggle the rest of her life - no, not if i can help it?
have i raised her to be an incredible young woman who knows what she wants and isnt going to let anyone push her around? yes
is she still plagued by the same self-esteem issues that lead most girls to give in? yes
is she strong? yes
do i know, maybe better than most, that strong people have sometimes a greater need for love and acceptance and just want to hear for one minute that they dont have to be so strong? yes
do I trust her? yes - absolutely
does that mean I just disregard my gut instincts and allow her ample opportunity? no
I know what teenagers are capable of - I was one - and it wasn't that long ago
i have friends who are men who remember what it was like to be a teenage boy- friends who deal with the aftermath of that kind of thing every day - people who care so they give me shit
- it is their way of saying - hey - I know you are the mom who knows your kid - but be careful - you didnt get your tubes tied to raise a grandchild
she comes from fertile stock - both of my kids were born despite my best attempts and birth control
what if the same thing happens?
she doesnt have to like me - and she doesnt have to understand
she can say things like - great - now we have the same mother daughter relationship as everyone else I know - I thought you trusted me - I thought you were different
she can say it - and I know we have the same relationship we have always had
I know I know her - I also know that I still struggle with decisions when hormones are involved
so she doesnt like me - meh
I would like her to like me - but that isn't my job
my job is to get her to adulthood in as close to one piece as possible - use my experience and knowledge to protect her when i can - and hope she will learn from my mistakes
i know she has to make her own
i just dont have to make it easy
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
chinese delivery
I remember a day About a year ago now
I couldn't take one more thing
I couldn't handle one more need
I was done
I drove to your house - you let me in I just sat there on your couch - not talking - not listening. Just being there
Slowly I started to let it all go
The weight of all the balls I juggle
The stress of keeping my ducks in a row
The mask of control - the need to be strong - the fear of letting it down
I just let it all go
I sat on your couch
Pet the cats
Drank - laughed - cried
My phone rang - over and over
You turned off the ringer
The texts were flying
We ordered chinese for delivery - not for us but for my children a hundred miles away
I remember telling you I couldn't do it anymore - and that I just needed to be
You didn't want anything from me - you didn't ask for anything from me - you let me lay there - absolutely overwhelmed by the demands of my life - the voices of my world and the pressures of my day
You held me and for a minute I felt safe again
I remember that feeling today - how it felt to be held by someone who wanted nothing from me yet was willing to give just what I needed without asking
And most days I juggle well - I can hold it all together and my ducklings stay perfectly in line.
I miss that feeling
And today it is all I want
I couldn't take one more thing
I couldn't handle one more need
I was done
I drove to your house - you let me in I just sat there on your couch - not talking - not listening. Just being there
Slowly I started to let it all go
The weight of all the balls I juggle
The stress of keeping my ducks in a row
The mask of control - the need to be strong - the fear of letting it down
I just let it all go
I sat on your couch
Pet the cats
Drank - laughed - cried
My phone rang - over and over
You turned off the ringer
The texts were flying
We ordered chinese for delivery - not for us but for my children a hundred miles away
I remember telling you I couldn't do it anymore - and that I just needed to be
You didn't want anything from me - you didn't ask for anything from me - you let me lay there - absolutely overwhelmed by the demands of my life - the voices of my world and the pressures of my day
You held me and for a minute I felt safe again
I remember that feeling today - how it felt to be held by someone who wanted nothing from me yet was willing to give just what I needed without asking
And most days I juggle well - I can hold it all together and my ducklings stay perfectly in line.
I miss that feeling
And today it is all I want
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