the other side

Dec 27, 2010

I went down to the river today

With blanket and journal I slid down the snow covered levy wall. Made my way in dress pants and heels to the rocks that line her banks and moved the untouched snow and ice from my favorite perch.

As I unwrapped my sandwich and opened my journal, I took a deep breath and looked around

She seems so different today... quieter, more serene, untouched save for the lone deer tracks leading to the waters edge.

The water flows more smoothly, the noise seems muffled and there is noone for what seems miles around despite the traffic passing overhead.
I begin to ask her where her peace comes from, and it is then I realize I am filled with the same peace.

I didn't bring her my usual angst and anxiety. No heavy burdons of sorrow and pain. I didn't pour my emptiness into her overfilled banks begging her to carry it away.

Today I came with peace and contentment. My puzzles are not all solved, my riddles still need solutions, my questions are no less complicated, but I came to her in thankfulness.

My tears were of joy and relief. Joy for the amazing gifts life has brought my way and relief that for the first time in what seems forever the knowledge that I can just be - and however I am is okay - has followed me into my day.

I am not seeking definition. I am not stressing the answers I don't have. I am not twisting and turning churning and running the hampster ragged searching for the plan and the directions for the next leg of this journey.

Maybe her peace is a reflection of mine, mirroring my security, my serenity, my knowledge that this journey will end exactly as it will and the love and joy I share along the way is the reward, not the destination.

So I sit in silence nourishing my body with my humble lunch while I let my soul soak in her beauty.

Its going to be alright.

I can just be

It is exactly as it seems, no riddle to solve, no game to play, no puzzle to unravel, no need to be three steps ahead...

Enjoy what is, she seems to say, for it is enough

And this time I believe her