reality

My hope is this makes it better for you
My hope is this makes it easier for you
My hope is that by limiting your contact with the world your world can become a safer place
My hope is you will sleep better, you will feel better and the panic that shuts you down will subside

My hope is this will get better for me
My hope is it will get easier for me
My hope is this gaping hole you left will mend and fill and the scar tissue will make it stronger
My hope is that reality sets in soon so I can learn to not hope so much

And somewhere I hope you will miss me too

list makers unite

I love lists - always have.

When things go haywire - too many irons in the fire - too much to think about - too many things I want to accomplish - I sit down put pen to paper and make a list.

I love the clarity it puts to things - that feeling of success as I cross things off - I heard recently of someone who keeps a dry erase board around for those ideas that come out of nowhere. I like the idea - thinking I want one for my bedroom....a place to make my list and let my goals greet me each morning.

I pulled out a list I made a year or so ago at the encouragement of a friend of mine. The instruction was to make a list of the characteristics I would find in a perfect match - the things I deserve that I knew I wanted in a partner. Looking at that list tonight I realize how repetitive I was making that list - probably because she insisted it be 100 items long.

I also realized everyone I have met since making that list has been measured by it - which in and of itself is not a bad thing at all - reminded me where my priorities lie, what is important and what I am not willing to give up - or who I am not willing to give up on.....mostly myself

getting outta my head

I have been living in my head for a week or so now. I know its a bad place to be. I know nothing is ever accomplished by staying there. I know I can't keep up with the things that fly thru there and that the voices of my heart get mixed in with the voice of ego and I can't sort them out.

I can hear my heart telling me I need to take a risk. I can hear my heart telling me that nothing good ever came from sitting on the sidelines and waiting for an opportunity - I know playing it safe is a sure fire way to end up with nothing but an illusion of safety and a lot of misery.

I know I have always managed to find my way into the right place - to make good things happen - and that fear is guarenteed to keep me from accomplishing nothing.

So its time to put myself out there.

Wish me luck

a moment with alton brown

So I wish I could find something that would slow my brain down long term. Meditation works for an hour or two - journaling takes one pot off the burner but won't shut down the litchen - making lists puts order to things, but doesn't stop the simmering - and I never let myself get drunk enough to make it stop...and the things I turned to in my youth carry too high a price to monkey around with these days....two sets of big blue eyes remind me daily that I am the only one who has their back - so I need to stay available for them.

But on days like today I would pay someone to reach in and shut off the computer. Parenting decisions mix with life decisions mix with finance which leads to housing and sibling relations - that mixes with relationships and friendships and fears that our new found coping solution will lead to an over-extension and deadlines and patience and desires and wishes and dreams and schools and anxieties and well you get the idea. Sad thing is that is just the tip of the iceburg.

I can't imagine how life would be without my brain working the way it does - but somedays I wish it would whisper instead of shout. I wish it worked like a crock pot - mix it set it and forget it. Instead I seem to have several sauce pans with a dozen delicate sauces going at once - and I can't seem to let them go for fear the sauce will break without constant attention.

I need to figure out how to quit making hollindaise and start making country gravy. Hardier stuff - doesn't break :)

dinks

You ever meet that couple? Both from solid backgrounds, good families - nice childhood - good education - they hold the degrees they want to and have done what they wanted with them. They have been married for several years and always talk about having children - but there is always something they need to do first. They wanted to be young and married first - travel and spend time together - then they need to establish careers first - make a stable financial environment so their kid would want for nothing - then they need to buy the house - and have the cars - and now they are too busy at work - and when they have the house and the car and the portfolio and the experience the economy takes a shit and they just don't know if it is wise to bring a kid into this world where everything is so uncertain. Then she hears the clock start ticking and she decides its time to move ahead - reluctantly he agrees - but now she is having trouble conceiving - her eggs are too old - things don't work the way they did when the body was ready to have babies in her 20s - they spend years and countless dollars in their quest to have atleast one of the four children they dreamed of - and toil and stress over adoption....what was to be joy is heartache and struggle - cause they waited till they had all their ducks in a row

See - its never perfect - its never gonna be just the right time - there will never be an anwer to every question - and things will never be perfectly in place. Sometimes you have to look at the possibilities - decide you want that more than you don't and jump - and pray that someone throws out a net to catch you.

Walking this fine line between hope and reality sucks - especially when you are half way there, your arms are quivering from holding the bar and you just don't know if you will make it across...despite the fact that you know what you have been working for is within your reach

Sometimes you struggle - sometimes it takes everything you have to hold on. And every now and again you have to reach out and know that someone is going to be there to believe enough for both of you - until you can believe it for yourself.

Hope and optimism open me up for hurt and failure. That is scary shit right there. To want something and not do anything about it - seems safe....but really its just ensuring my lonliness and fear will remain. Then again - ignoring reality and not acknowledging that maybe I am just not worth the risk.....no - that isn't it. Not even gonna let myself go there.

The river isn't doing its job today - too many things floating around in my head. Things I thought I had a handle on - things I thought I set myself straight on - all stirred up again - and I stand here - my hand stretched out - believing with everything I am that its worth the jump....but I can't take this jump alone - and I can't make anyone believe that I'm worth the risk - and I can't promise that there will be a time when it is perfect.