Every now and again it occurs to me how hard I work to stay alone. I find when people want to love me, want to accept me, want to be part of my world that I push them away hard and fast. I find ways to pull away from them - cut them out - make real reasons that they cant be a part of my life and my world.
People tell me they like me - they love me - they want to be a part of my world and I dont understand why - I wonder what they are trying to pull or when they will pull the rug out from under me
and because i am convinced that will happen instead I choose to let people love me who have no intention of loving me back - they may use me - they may want or need me - but they dont want to love me or let me love them back
the people who want to be part of my world - who want to love me for who i am - who want to be a part of me - they are the ones i walk away from waiting for the pain
the ones i know will hurt me i hang around and wait for the pain - and it comes - and then they tell me how they are sorry and how they are not ready for or worthy of my love
see - it is work to stay alone
it is work to make sure that I stay alone - and the work is making me so tired
i dont want to be alone anymore
but i dont know how to stop the knee jerk reaction that keeps me safe- or rather gave me the lie of safety
i caught myself this time - i told the folks i was pushing awy that i knew i was pushing
and i wonder if that is why i have been alone so long - because when folks come in my world i walk away and push away
and when i see someone who i know will bring me pain i jump in and volunteer for punching bag duty
i think the scariest place to be is where I see the road I have been traveling - I see the circles I have been walking and know that in order to have what I want I need to step off the path and be willing to explore where I havent been before
damn that grass is tall
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
loving Maugham......
today I read these words...
"You know, there are two good thins in life, freedom of thought and freedom of action. In France you get freedom of action; you can do what you like and nobody bothers, but you must think like everyone else. In Germany you must do what everybody else does, but you may think as you choose. They're both very god things. I personally prefer freedom of thought. But in England you get neither: you're ground down by convention. You can't think as you like and you can't act as you like. That is because it's a democratic nation. I expect America's worse."
Wow - what a great thought. I am finding a lot I enjoy in On Human Bondage -
I am finding a million words and ideas that get my little brain thinking. Descriptions of young Phillip as he grows up and the way his mind works with and against his body - or actually his foot
but this idea that you can have freedom of thought OR freedom of action - but not both
that is sticking - stuck all afternoon actually and finally brought me here to try and work it out.
I know that modern times tell you that you can have both - that you can live your life as you wish between your ears adn in your world - but can you?
there are costs for living life as you wish - there is a price for thinking for yourself - for not conforming to the world around you - and if that world is a good place then the risk isn't so great - you think and behave as the good folks around you and you can live a pleasant life
if you think and behave in a way that causes others to be uncomfortable then there is a price
so I was telling a friend that my sister came home for christmas with a surprise - a little decoration in her lower lip. I told him that I was worried for her - she was entering a nursing career and the rules on the floor are so strict - heck it is even hard to be an ugly nurse - let alone a nurse who has chosen to express some individuality
his response was - oh so you have something against piercings? because my fiance (who you are meeting in a day or so) has several
I was honest - no - I think the right piercing on the right face is down right hot - but I worry for my sister that she wont be able to find a job despite the fact that she is a fricking genius and no one can compare with her patient care skills - because of this sign of individuality
so - again freedom of thought and freedom of action
my hair is often the topic of conversation at work. Many love my hair - they love the expression - the colors - the vibrancy - the fact that it is "so you" - but my boss is always telling me - if your hair makes people uncomfortable then you have to work twice has hard to get to ground zero before you can even begin the sale - in sales it pays to be neutral
but I can't be neutral - it makes me feel lost
so freedom of thought or freedom of action
conformity
"You know, there are two good thins in life, freedom of thought and freedom of action. In France you get freedom of action; you can do what you like and nobody bothers, but you must think like everyone else. In Germany you must do what everybody else does, but you may think as you choose. They're both very god things. I personally prefer freedom of thought. But in England you get neither: you're ground down by convention. You can't think as you like and you can't act as you like. That is because it's a democratic nation. I expect America's worse."
Wow - what a great thought. I am finding a lot I enjoy in On Human Bondage -
I am finding a million words and ideas that get my little brain thinking. Descriptions of young Phillip as he grows up and the way his mind works with and against his body - or actually his foot
but this idea that you can have freedom of thought OR freedom of action - but not both
that is sticking - stuck all afternoon actually and finally brought me here to try and work it out.
I know that modern times tell you that you can have both - that you can live your life as you wish between your ears adn in your world - but can you?
there are costs for living life as you wish - there is a price for thinking for yourself - for not conforming to the world around you - and if that world is a good place then the risk isn't so great - you think and behave as the good folks around you and you can live a pleasant life
if you think and behave in a way that causes others to be uncomfortable then there is a price
so I was telling a friend that my sister came home for christmas with a surprise - a little decoration in her lower lip. I told him that I was worried for her - she was entering a nursing career and the rules on the floor are so strict - heck it is even hard to be an ugly nurse - let alone a nurse who has chosen to express some individuality
his response was - oh so you have something against piercings? because my fiance (who you are meeting in a day or so) has several
I was honest - no - I think the right piercing on the right face is down right hot - but I worry for my sister that she wont be able to find a job despite the fact that she is a fricking genius and no one can compare with her patient care skills - because of this sign of individuality
so - again freedom of thought and freedom of action
my hair is often the topic of conversation at work. Many love my hair - they love the expression - the colors - the vibrancy - the fact that it is "so you" - but my boss is always telling me - if your hair makes people uncomfortable then you have to work twice has hard to get to ground zero before you can even begin the sale - in sales it pays to be neutral
but I can't be neutral - it makes me feel lost
so freedom of thought or freedom of action
conformity
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