so close and yet so far

The word safe keeps coming to mind.

I can't remember the last time I felt safe - well maybe I can. The last time I remember really sleeping thru the night - sleeping like a baby without the assitance of sleep medication was shortly after Felecia was born - when I was still at home. For 17 years I have slept restlessly - waking at noises - waking up to walk the house and check on the kids - waking up to finish a project - pay a bill - put in a movie and attempt to sleep again.

I wonder if I will ever feel secure again. If I will ever be able to close my eyes and nod off in the knowledge that there is nothing for me to do - that everything will wait for morning and if it doesn't - someone else can handle it.

I wonder if I will ever feel that way again. I have felt it in different places for a minute - for an hour - but I want it forever

the peace that passes all understanding

There is such simple beauty in the peace that comes after the storm. A few weeks of insanity, self doubt, anger and frustration culminating with me taking a stand for myself (not a new experience - but one I haven't exercised in a long time) and today I am back on my game.

I feel like I own my world again - like I can captain my ship, but more importantly, that I am good with just letting it drift. I feel like things can happen as they need to and I have proven once again that at the end of the day I will be just fine.

The same river I sit by when my mind is raging offers a different kind of peace today. The crickets and locusts are singing their songs - the late afternoon sun is warm and welcomed on the back of my neck and the first hints of fall are hitting the trees. The water is moving at a gentle pace pushing little leaf boats downstream and I am loving every second of it.

reality

My hope is this makes it better for you
My hope is this makes it easier for you
My hope is that by limiting your contact with the world your world can become a safer place
My hope is you will sleep better, you will feel better and the panic that shuts you down will subside

My hope is this will get better for me
My hope is it will get easier for me
My hope is this gaping hole you left will mend and fill and the scar tissue will make it stronger
My hope is that reality sets in soon so I can learn to not hope so much

And somewhere I hope you will miss me too

list makers unite

I love lists - always have.

When things go haywire - too many irons in the fire - too much to think about - too many things I want to accomplish - I sit down put pen to paper and make a list.

I love the clarity it puts to things - that feeling of success as I cross things off - I heard recently of someone who keeps a dry erase board around for those ideas that come out of nowhere. I like the idea - thinking I want one for my bedroom....a place to make my list and let my goals greet me each morning.

I pulled out a list I made a year or so ago at the encouragement of a friend of mine. The instruction was to make a list of the characteristics I would find in a perfect match - the things I deserve that I knew I wanted in a partner. Looking at that list tonight I realize how repetitive I was making that list - probably because she insisted it be 100 items long.

I also realized everyone I have met since making that list has been measured by it - which in and of itself is not a bad thing at all - reminded me where my priorities lie, what is important and what I am not willing to give up - or who I am not willing to give up on.....mostly myself

getting outta my head

I have been living in my head for a week or so now. I know its a bad place to be. I know nothing is ever accomplished by staying there. I know I can't keep up with the things that fly thru there and that the voices of my heart get mixed in with the voice of ego and I can't sort them out.

I can hear my heart telling me I need to take a risk. I can hear my heart telling me that nothing good ever came from sitting on the sidelines and waiting for an opportunity - I know playing it safe is a sure fire way to end up with nothing but an illusion of safety and a lot of misery.

I know I have always managed to find my way into the right place - to make good things happen - and that fear is guarenteed to keep me from accomplishing nothing.

So its time to put myself out there.

Wish me luck

a moment with alton brown

So I wish I could find something that would slow my brain down long term. Meditation works for an hour or two - journaling takes one pot off the burner but won't shut down the litchen - making lists puts order to things, but doesn't stop the simmering - and I never let myself get drunk enough to make it stop...and the things I turned to in my youth carry too high a price to monkey around with these days....two sets of big blue eyes remind me daily that I am the only one who has their back - so I need to stay available for them.

But on days like today I would pay someone to reach in and shut off the computer. Parenting decisions mix with life decisions mix with finance which leads to housing and sibling relations - that mixes with relationships and friendships and fears that our new found coping solution will lead to an over-extension and deadlines and patience and desires and wishes and dreams and schools and anxieties and well you get the idea. Sad thing is that is just the tip of the iceburg.

I can't imagine how life would be without my brain working the way it does - but somedays I wish it would whisper instead of shout. I wish it worked like a crock pot - mix it set it and forget it. Instead I seem to have several sauce pans with a dozen delicate sauces going at once - and I can't seem to let them go for fear the sauce will break without constant attention.

I need to figure out how to quit making hollindaise and start making country gravy. Hardier stuff - doesn't break :)

dinks

You ever meet that couple? Both from solid backgrounds, good families - nice childhood - good education - they hold the degrees they want to and have done what they wanted with them. They have been married for several years and always talk about having children - but there is always something they need to do first. They wanted to be young and married first - travel and spend time together - then they need to establish careers first - make a stable financial environment so their kid would want for nothing - then they need to buy the house - and have the cars - and now they are too busy at work - and when they have the house and the car and the portfolio and the experience the economy takes a shit and they just don't know if it is wise to bring a kid into this world where everything is so uncertain. Then she hears the clock start ticking and she decides its time to move ahead - reluctantly he agrees - but now she is having trouble conceiving - her eggs are too old - things don't work the way they did when the body was ready to have babies in her 20s - they spend years and countless dollars in their quest to have atleast one of the four children they dreamed of - and toil and stress over adoption....what was to be joy is heartache and struggle - cause they waited till they had all their ducks in a row

See - its never perfect - its never gonna be just the right time - there will never be an anwer to every question - and things will never be perfectly in place. Sometimes you have to look at the possibilities - decide you want that more than you don't and jump - and pray that someone throws out a net to catch you.

Walking this fine line between hope and reality sucks - especially when you are half way there, your arms are quivering from holding the bar and you just don't know if you will make it across...despite the fact that you know what you have been working for is within your reach

Sometimes you struggle - sometimes it takes everything you have to hold on. And every now and again you have to reach out and know that someone is going to be there to believe enough for both of you - until you can believe it for yourself.

Hope and optimism open me up for hurt and failure. That is scary shit right there. To want something and not do anything about it - seems safe....but really its just ensuring my lonliness and fear will remain. Then again - ignoring reality and not acknowledging that maybe I am just not worth the risk.....no - that isn't it. Not even gonna let myself go there.

The river isn't doing its job today - too many things floating around in my head. Things I thought I had a handle on - things I thought I set myself straight on - all stirred up again - and I stand here - my hand stretched out - believing with everything I am that its worth the jump....but I can't take this jump alone - and I can't make anyone believe that I'm worth the risk - and I can't promise that there will be a time when it is perfect.

she is important to you - and you are important to me

therefore if a=b and b=c I gotta give her another chance

a lot of talk about forgiveness lately. There are three different social circles, I guess you can say, in which this has come up for dicsussion. In quiet private conversations and in group discussions. in reference to forgiving oneself, forgiving another, and forgiveness of a more global nature.

I have always had no trouble forgiving others, and forgiving globally I can do it - the one I always struggle with is forgiving myself. Learned how to do that almost 2 years ago now, and it is the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I don't care how you define it, or under what context or set of rules you choose to condemn yourself, or your justification of why it is necessary - fact remains that until you can look at the things you have done, accept them for what they were - pick up the lessons and the pieces and identify what was gained and then move forward you will forever be stuck there.
Not forgiving someone, or yourself, is like packing up all your shit in a uhaul trailer and dragging it around with you from day to day. Every person you meet, every relationship you enter, every encounter you have you put that shit infront of you and then expect the other person to move around it, thru it or just walk away because it is too much to deal with.

its like hey - I know you treated me badly - and I know we need to find a way to work thru this or we wont be able to function in this circle we have both invested in - but everytime I talk to you I am going to first catalogue your transgressions so I can keep them fresh in my mind incase you do it again. Yeah - that's gonna work.

imagine if that were a conversation with yourself?

talk about living behind walls.....and if someone wants to be that alone and miserable it doesnt matter what you see in them or how badly you would like to convince them otherwise, until they can make peace with themselves all you can do is remind them what you see and why you think they are worth the effort.

problem is I have learned that people all have layers - like ogres or onions (or cake)

there is the mask they put on for the rest of the world - most people can see right thru that mask, but we work hard at keeping it on cause we are afraid if people see who we really are they might not like us.

but people see right thru that mask and see our core - they see who we are - what we are made of - what is in our heart and what makes us tick. They know if we are worth the effort or not - they see us in our purity and possibility. A good friend will ignore the mask and put their faith and love into who you are - despite how badly you fight to insist on teh mask.

problem is between the mask and who we are we have to look out thru a veil of our past. We look out and all we can see are our sins and mistakes, the hateful things we said or were said to us, the anger, the frustration, the things people did to us in the name of love or hate- we look out and see them every day - and we are terrified people will see that in us - or even worse that people will think we are our sins - that we are our mistakes - that there is a fatal flaw because a decent person would never allow this to happen to them- funny thing is people always seem to see the truth -good and bad - I think we are just too afraid to listen - well I should I say I know often I am

that is why forgiveness is amazing - not to get too religious - but that is why most faiths are based on the idea of a forgiving and a loving God. In Christianity we receive the ultimate forgiveness thru the ultimate sacrifice - God's only son - if you accept it and believe it - then it is yours as is God's kingdom- in Buddhism it is believed forgiveness is a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from wreaking havoc on your mental being - for when you live focusing on your transgressions you just ensure that they will repeat themselves - thru forgiveness you can live a peaceful life and help bring peace to those around you - in Hinduism atonement is practiced and thru atonement forgiveness is received. you can make atonement to yourself or to others - much like the practice in AA....first you have to be willing to make ammends, and you begin the hard work making sure you have made ammends when it wont cause further harm - I have often heard it referred to as cleaning up your side of the street. They can accept your offer or no - and you cant make them clean up their side of things, but knowing you extended the effort can allow you to begin the process of forgiving yourself, and others. The simple act of atonement (especially when you are forgiven) helps lead to forgivness of yourself for the wrongs you did while addicted which allows you to move forward - I could go on - every major religion or school of thought has a component of forgiveness - for as long as we chose to bear our burdon we cant let in the saving power of any diety regardless of how powerful they are.

a seat in hell is reserved for everyone who chooses it -and I have read enough bibles to know it isnt necessarily by their actions, deeds or thought - but often by their choice to continue chosing those actions - by their refusal to accept the grace that has been extended thru faith and their unwillingness to love and forgive themselves as those around them have already done.

Everyone is sent angels - reminders of God love - reminders of the great possibilities of living in the moment every day......hard part is to recognize them and accept them...and heaven forbid listen to them

I made a contract with myself when I went thru that seminar a year ago. Things I often forget about myself - you see it here from time to time, and on my facebook, or just as a sig line on my email.

I forgave myself for the bad choices I made, the things I put myself and my children thru, the times I didnt love and respect myself and allowed myself to be disrespected by those around me. I promised to remember that I am a beautiful, trusting, indomidable and worthy woman. I forget that sometimes and fall back into old patterns, but I am trying.

hmmmm - wonder what we will all be talking about next week?

Very very interesting

Not sure why I am writing publically so much lately. I never seem to be able to put this stuff into words when I am talking to friends, and I have filled pages in my journal this morning on the topic, but I can't let it go yet. Somehow this is different - hopefully different enough.

Got an interesting email the other day. Background - I am not good at standing up for myself. I will accommodate people till I have given everything and never ask for my moment. I often know exactly what I need to do, and won't follow thru on it for any reason, cause I am afraid to make waves. Funny how I am exactly the opposite in my professional world. Anyway, the email. It was from a guy I dated after my divorce. In it he talks about his recent attempt at starting something again. I avoided him, caved up and played hermit. Didn't answer his phone calls. One word responses to his texts, avoided any reason to go to where he was, and when I did have to go I made sure I was with friends so I had a barrier.

I know why I wasn't interested in rekindling things, but his perspective on the matter was interesting. He nailed it as a worthyness issue. That I didn't feel that I deserved to be treated well. That I didn't feel like I should be among the priorities in someones world. That I was okay taking a backseat to jobs and kids and hobbies and anyone who would make me important in their world was out of luck - cause I would cling to someone who ignores me.

Huh - I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with worthyness - but I don't know if he is on the mark here. I have no problem taking a back seat to kids - kids need to come first! I don't really believe I need to be the center focus of anyones world. I just want to be part of the inner circle. Live your day - fill it - and if at the end of the night you come home and want to share it with me then I am good - cause chances are I will have been out doing my thing too.

There are many reasons I did not want to rekindle that relationship....but I wonder - will I ever put effort into dating someone who treats me the way he claims I should be treated? Will I ever be able to let go of my independence enough to completely let someone in? Even if I meet someone and they start out paying me the kind of attention most women expect - I think my lack of need to be the focus and undemanding nature leads to them quickly change the focus to themselves....or maybe I am still making bad choices :)

I don't know - I recently discovered that I am not as okaywith being alone as I once was. In conversations with my daughter I have also discovered she feels I am either a good executive or a good mom. She then went onto clarify that even when being a bad mom I am far better than most of the mom population - she just misses the kind of mom I was when I stayed home and it was my only job. I think I view dating the same way - how do I maintain my independence and open myself up to someone.

Too many thoughts swimming around in my little head today. Taking them for a walk along the levy. Bringing a towell to dry my park bench and see if I can straighten it out. Didn't want to be dating again when I found myself in the process....and then I wasn't.....and now I wish I were. Backwards huh

water ways

I have always been drawn to water in motion. I love the ocean, but not near as much as lakes and rivers. The motion of the waters in the ocean are so chaotic. Constant churning and the rhythmic beating of the waves. After awhile I feel a lot of anxiety, a lot of restlessness. It is if the pounding waves have somehow transferred that extra energy to me.

Rivers are different. The water tumbles and babbles. Rushes sometimes - but always with direction and purpose. I can watch it and feel its purpose. Kinda helps me center myself. I set my anxieties afloat and watch them be carried away. I can feel the water's source - like the energy flowing my way.

Lakes are for peace. When I am at rest - just take me out on a boat - give me a book and a big floppy hat and my polarized sunglasses (and some spf 45 cause I am a pale girl) and just let me drift away. Somedays I want a pen and my journal and there I can write it all down - better than setting it afloat - cause on paper I own it.

Then there are the days lakes bring adventure. Floating strings of pontoon boats - music laughter and dancing. A red neck yaught club at its best. I watch the speed boats fly by faster than I can even imagine....recently I have learned how fast they can go - staggering really. Maybe motion over water would be just as freeing - I may never know.


There are two places here in town I go when my head is swimming - both on the great miami. The first is at the levy. There are some swinging benches - mine is the first one from the north bridge. Bring a jacket to curl up behind my back and I can sit for hours. Many tears have been shed on that bench. The bike cops know me and rarely hassel me when they see me there after hours. They seem to know when they should stop and chat and when to ride by. If my friends see me there they don't check the temperature - they know I don't go there happy - so they often come and sit and swing with me.....but they want to talk about it. I don't often go there when I am ready to talk - its where I sort it all out. I have this dream (I guess you would call it a dream) that someday there will be someone who knows to find me there. They will just pick up my feet - lay them in their lap. Rest their hand on my leg and then just sit with me - not worrying about when I will let it go - just knowing eventually I will - and that just being there is enough. Like I said - its a dream

The second place is along the same river - just at a different bend. There I sit on a marble bench dedicated to someone. It sits next to a covered bridge - and the water moves faster and is a bit lower here. I write a lot at this bridge. I go there when I am on the phone - when the conversation is easy and when its not. My friends haven't discovered my affinity for this bridge yet - but they will find me there - they always seem to find me when I try to hide. The road noise is louder and there is a ball field not far away - but I seem to be able to tune them all out.

I should have listened to myself and gone to the water today. Instead I tried to stay on task - kids - work - all that good stuff.

But maybe tomorrow. The water is definately calling

starting again already?

Its one of those days....one of the days when I wonder how I am supposed to do all of this. How am I supposed to develop a career that will allow me to support my children and give them every opportunity while getting the laundry done and keeping some semblence of a clean house and get them to soccer practice and band practice on time even while still having time to pick up binders for music and socks for soccer? Wow that sentence was Brontesque for sure!

I mean I am one woman - an amazing woman (sorry couldnt resist) but one woman none the less. Here's the thing ......I want my life back. I want to just be the Mom. It is all I ever wanted to be....and on days like today I feel like it was stolen from me. Cause when I wanted to be fussing over soccer socks and band music and making sure I made dinner for my kids I was stressing over sales calls and budget numbers and making sure I was prepared for the billing meeting tomorrow. When I wanted to be taking my daughter to soccer practice so I could watch her coach run her ass into the ground....I came back to the office to finish some things up. My friend got to make my little one dinner and watch her run her ass into the ground. My friend gets to listen to the chatter in the backseat on the way home from practice - and everyone knows when you want to know what Em thinks you have to get first story.

And Em would rather be there than home - and it breaks my heart. She tells me it is like a family there. They have a Mom and a Dad and a trampoline and people to play with - at home Fele just likes to fight with her - the house is small and it isnt the same.

I want my life back - or atleast the opportunity to rebuild one.....but today that feels like a distant possibility. I spent too many years being angry and not enough time being open to things. I think I have met my cosmic lesson on closing yourself off from the world...karma is a bitch - and while I have always claimed to like her that way - today I am not so sure.......and yet I wait. I get closer daily - I get nods and signals - but no real invitiation - and yet walking away seems like it would be a HUGE mistake. Meanwhile I toil away at a job I once was so excited to have, but now fail to see the appeal - and fill my nights so full I cant possibly have a chance to feel lonely or sad.

and when I get home and the world quiets down my phone rings and that window that shows me what I used to have opens.....dammit I didnt miss it till I could hear it and smell it.

and tomorrow I will wake up and know I can handle it all. And Em will come home, and Fele will get her license and a car taking some of the pressure off and I will rock my sales calls and the center will continue to grow and all will be okay.

but today - it sucks HARD

a thought for the day....from the pages of my childhood

books have always been a constant in my house - my Mom and Dad read to us until we could read to ourselves and I remember many nights lying between my sisters beds on the floor reading to them begging my Mom to let me read "just one more".....I have done the same for my girls, even as recently as a few months ago reading aloud to Felecia from a book she had to read for school that she hated so much she couldnt make herself read one more word. in books I have found dreams and escape and most of all inspiration. The greatest gift I ever got was shortly after my divorce when I was getting set up in my first solo apartment and beginning the task of being sole provider for my girls. I got a gift from my parents, attached was the line "a home for a bunny, a home of her own" I cried and cried.....next Christmas my Dad bought me the book - and it sits on my bookshelf next to all the other books I can not imagine not owning. such amazingly strong power in such simple words......

this week it has been a different bunny book from my childhood that is coming back to me.
the other day this passage showed up in my mailbox.....

The Velveteen Rabbit is a classy book for children with a message for adults. In it is a revealing nursery dialogue between a new toy rabbit and an old skin horse. As they are lying side by side one day, Rabbit asks Horse:
"What is REAL?" . . . "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

That's the thing about real.....the greatest compliment I have ever received is that I was one of the most real people someone has ever met. Real isnt about how pretty you are, how well you dress, how eloquently you speak or what car you drive. It isnt about the house you live in or even the books you have read - its about the way you live and love. Its the magic in acceptance without judgement. It is the sheer joy of loving people for who they are and where they are. It is living in the now- loving this moment in time and being fully present and letting the past and future take care of themselves. It is the way I want to be.

Recently I was looking at photos with a dear friend. the picture was of her and her new husband. He was leaning against a post and she was leaning into him - and the way they looked at eachother was the epitome of every love story you have ever read. It was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever seen....the picture was taken on the beach, the wind was blowing her hair, the dress was floating around her but all I could see was the look in their eyes......I dream of the day when someone will look at me that way - like the rest of the world disappears and it is all about that one moment and the two of us (but I digress). Anyway.....that picture started a long discussion about asthetics - what was more important - the hair out of place or the look in his eyes as the looked at her. I didn't know how to tell her - no one would see the hair - they would be captured by her smile and his eyes.


I should have read her the Velveteen Rabbit

Velveteen Love Song
My coat is all tattered and worn to shreds My whiskers have wandered away.I picked up some dirt in some flower beds I think that it’s in there to stay.But deep in your eyes are a needle and thread And a wonder that scrubs me so clean.I see in their mirror, I’m beautiful. I pose and I laugh and I preen. My bottom’s as stout as it’s always been. And maybe a little bit more?I never believed they were good for much‘cept keeping my ears off the floor;But then when you take me and toss me high, I fly like the fleetest Gazelle.And the joy that my dusty heart takes in your touchis more then a rabbit can tell My eyes are just buttons of two penny glass They’re either too brown or too green.One of them might not stay on too much longer.There’s plenty they’ve both never seen.But they see my way clear to a home in your heart. I live in the love that you feel.And there of all places , A place of my ownWhere a velveteen rabbit is real.
— Velveteen Love Song by Bob Franke

who what when why how

who what when why how

I stopped dreaming again
I'm not sure when
I locked it down
the passion that filled my days
the fire that burned so brightly
back behind an iron wall

I stopped feeling love again
I'm not sure why
I put it away
the joy I let fill my heart
the glue that holds the cracks together
cast aside like a broken toy

I stopped living again
I'm not sure how
I fake it well
stringing together moments to fill the void
choosing numbness over pain or joy
once so full I could feel my skin fighting to contain it all

I stopped believing again
I'm not sure in who
I want it back
the knowledge that this is perfect
the truth that this is where I want to be
needing to be here and now


I stopped fighting again
I'm not sure what
I will fight
for being a part of my own magic
for living the in present moment
knowing it is the only one that matters
secure the love is worth it

a fine line

There is a really fine line between trusting someone and allowing that trust to keep you from making choices you feel are best

example - my kid - my oldest is amazing! she is truely trustworthy. lately i she has been spending more time with her boyfriend - no biggie - but at my house - still no biggie- but when I am not home - BIGGIE!

do i trust her - yes

is she a teenager who can be carried away by a moment and make a choice that will change the direction of her life? yes

is her boyfriend a good kid? yes

is he a teenage bundle of male hormones and one thing on his mind? yes

do i think she is stupid, thoughless or careless? no

do i want to see her struggle the rest of her life - no, not if i can help it?

have i raised her to be an incredible young woman who knows what she wants and isnt going to let anyone push her around? yes

is she still plagued by the same self-esteem issues that lead most girls to give in? yes

is she strong? yes

do i know, maybe better than most, that strong people have sometimes a greater need for love and acceptance and just want to hear for one minute that they dont have to be so strong? yes

do I trust her? yes - absolutely

does that mean I just disregard my gut instincts and allow her ample opportunity? no

I know what teenagers are capable of - I was one - and it wasn't that long ago
i have friends who are men who remember what it was like to be a teenage boy- friends who deal with the aftermath of that kind of thing every day - people who care so they give me shit
- it is their way of saying - hey - I know you are the mom who knows your kid - but be careful - you didnt get your tubes tied to raise a grandchild

she comes from fertile stock - both of my kids were born despite my best attempts and birth control

what if the same thing happens?

she doesnt have to like me - and she doesnt have to understand

she can say things like - great - now we have the same mother daughter relationship as everyone else I know - I thought you trusted me - I thought you were different

she can say it - and I know we have the same relationship we have always had

I know I know her - I also know that I still struggle with decisions when hormones are involved

so she doesnt like me - meh

I would like her to like me - but that isn't my job

my job is to get her to adulthood in as close to one piece as possible - use my experience and knowledge to protect her when i can - and hope she will learn from my mistakes

i know she has to make her own

i just dont have to make it easy

chinese delivery

I remember a day About a year ago now

I couldn't take one more thing
I couldn't handle one more need
I was done

I drove to your house - you let me in I just sat there on your couch - not talking - not listening. Just being there

Slowly I started to let it all go
The weight of all the balls I juggle
The stress of keeping my ducks in a row
The mask of control - the need to be strong - the fear of letting it down
I just let it all go

I sat on your couch
Pet the cats
Drank - laughed - cried

My phone rang - over and over
You turned off the ringer
The texts were flying

We ordered chinese for delivery - not for us but for my children a hundred miles away

I remember telling you I couldn't do it anymore - and that I just needed to be

You didn't want anything from me - you didn't ask for anything from me - you let me lay there - absolutely overwhelmed by the demands of my life - the voices of my world and the pressures of my day

You held me and for a minute I felt safe again

I remember that feeling today - how it felt to be held by someone who wanted nothing from me yet was willing to give just what I needed without asking

And most days I juggle well - I can hold it all together and my ducklings stay perfectly in line.

I miss that feeling

And today it is all I want

a fortunate accident

I spend my life with what ifs...... with watched words - with baited breath hoping someone else will open the door and then I can just walk thru

I like to be invited - I want someone else to match my risk

but it needs to be my risk - or it can't be my gain


I wrote that about a year ago - almost like a land mark - one I keep passing over and over

I thought I was walking in circles - coming back to the same place - over and over again - like I wasn't actually getting anywhere

and then I looked - it isn't that I wasn't getting anywhere - it isn't that I am walking in the same circles over and over again - it isn't that i am stuck - even though it feels that way

i simply am walking in ever narrowing circles around the goal

i keep passing the same landmark - only it gets farther away each time I pass it - and my destination seems to be getting closer.

i have to believe I am on my way - i dont know where - i just keep hoping i am not alone at the end of the road

the struggle to be alone -the desire not to be

Every now and again it occurs to me how hard I work to stay alone. I find when people want to love me, want to accept me, want to be part of my world that I push them away hard and fast. I find ways to pull away from them - cut them out - make real reasons that they cant be a part of my life and my world.

People tell me they like me - they love me - they want to be a part of my world and I dont understand why - I wonder what they are trying to pull or when they will pull the rug out from under me

and because i am convinced that will happen instead I choose to let people love me who have no intention of loving me back - they may use me - they may want or need me - but they dont want to love me or let me love them back

the people who want to be part of my world - who want to love me for who i am - who want to be a part of me - they are the ones i walk away from waiting for the pain

the ones i know will hurt me i hang around and wait for the pain - and it comes - and then they tell me how they are sorry and how they are not ready for or worthy of my love

see - it is work to stay alone

it is work to make sure that I stay alone - and the work is making me so tired

i dont want to be alone anymore

but i dont know how to stop the knee jerk reaction that keeps me safe- or rather gave me the lie of safety

i caught myself this time - i told the folks i was pushing awy that i knew i was pushing

and i wonder if that is why i have been alone so long - because when folks come in my world i walk away and push away

and when i see someone who i know will bring me pain i jump in and volunteer for punching bag duty

i think the scariest place to be is where I see the road I have been traveling - I see the circles I have been walking and know that in order to have what I want I need to step off the path and be willing to explore where I havent been before

damn that grass is tall

loving Maugham......

today I read these words...

"You know, there are two good thins in life, freedom of thought and freedom of action. In France you get freedom of action; you can do what you like and nobody bothers, but you must think like everyone else. In Germany you must do what everybody else does, but you may think as you choose. They're both very god things. I personally prefer freedom of thought. But in England you get neither: you're ground down by convention. You can't think as you like and you can't act as you like. That is because it's a democratic nation. I expect America's worse."

Wow - what a great thought. I am finding a lot I enjoy in On Human Bondage -
I am finding a million words and ideas that get my little brain thinking. Descriptions of young Phillip as he grows up and the way his mind works with and against his body - or actually his foot

but this idea that you can have freedom of thought OR freedom of action - but not both

that is sticking - stuck all afternoon actually and finally brought me here to try and work it out.

I know that modern times tell you that you can have both - that you can live your life as you wish between your ears adn in your world - but can you?

there are costs for living life as you wish - there is a price for thinking for yourself - for not conforming to the world around you - and if that world is a good place then the risk isn't so great - you think and behave as the good folks around you and you can live a pleasant life

if you think and behave in a way that causes others to be uncomfortable then there is a price

so I was telling a friend that my sister came home for christmas with a surprise - a little decoration in her lower lip. I told him that I was worried for her - she was entering a nursing career and the rules on the floor are so strict - heck it is even hard to be an ugly nurse - let alone a nurse who has chosen to express some individuality

his response was - oh so you have something against piercings? because my fiance (who you are meeting in a day or so) has several

I was honest - no - I think the right piercing on the right face is down right hot - but I worry for my sister that she wont be able to find a job despite the fact that she is a fricking genius and no one can compare with her patient care skills - because of this sign of individuality

so - again freedom of thought and freedom of action

my hair is often the topic of conversation at work. Many love my hair - they love the expression - the colors - the vibrancy - the fact that it is "so you" - but my boss is always telling me - if your hair makes people uncomfortable then you have to work twice has hard to get to ground zero before you can even begin the sale - in sales it pays to be neutral

but I can't be neutral - it makes me feel lost

so freedom of thought or freedom of action

conformity