Very very interesting

Not sure why I am writing publically so much lately. I never seem to be able to put this stuff into words when I am talking to friends, and I have filled pages in my journal this morning on the topic, but I can't let it go yet. Somehow this is different - hopefully different enough.

Got an interesting email the other day. Background - I am not good at standing up for myself. I will accommodate people till I have given everything and never ask for my moment. I often know exactly what I need to do, and won't follow thru on it for any reason, cause I am afraid to make waves. Funny how I am exactly the opposite in my professional world. Anyway, the email. It was from a guy I dated after my divorce. In it he talks about his recent attempt at starting something again. I avoided him, caved up and played hermit. Didn't answer his phone calls. One word responses to his texts, avoided any reason to go to where he was, and when I did have to go I made sure I was with friends so I had a barrier.

I know why I wasn't interested in rekindling things, but his perspective on the matter was interesting. He nailed it as a worthyness issue. That I didn't feel that I deserved to be treated well. That I didn't feel like I should be among the priorities in someones world. That I was okay taking a backseat to jobs and kids and hobbies and anyone who would make me important in their world was out of luck - cause I would cling to someone who ignores me.

Huh - I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with worthyness - but I don't know if he is on the mark here. I have no problem taking a back seat to kids - kids need to come first! I don't really believe I need to be the center focus of anyones world. I just want to be part of the inner circle. Live your day - fill it - and if at the end of the night you come home and want to share it with me then I am good - cause chances are I will have been out doing my thing too.

There are many reasons I did not want to rekindle that relationship....but I wonder - will I ever put effort into dating someone who treats me the way he claims I should be treated? Will I ever be able to let go of my independence enough to completely let someone in? Even if I meet someone and they start out paying me the kind of attention most women expect - I think my lack of need to be the focus and undemanding nature leads to them quickly change the focus to themselves....or maybe I am still making bad choices :)

I don't know - I recently discovered that I am not as okaywith being alone as I once was. In conversations with my daughter I have also discovered she feels I am either a good executive or a good mom. She then went onto clarify that even when being a bad mom I am far better than most of the mom population - she just misses the kind of mom I was when I stayed home and it was my only job. I think I view dating the same way - how do I maintain my independence and open myself up to someone.

Too many thoughts swimming around in my little head today. Taking them for a walk along the levy. Bringing a towell to dry my park bench and see if I can straighten it out. Didn't want to be dating again when I found myself in the process....and then I wasn't.....and now I wish I were. Backwards huh