starting again already?

Its one of those days....one of the days when I wonder how I am supposed to do all of this. How am I supposed to develop a career that will allow me to support my children and give them every opportunity while getting the laundry done and keeping some semblence of a clean house and get them to soccer practice and band practice on time even while still having time to pick up binders for music and socks for soccer? Wow that sentence was Brontesque for sure!

I mean I am one woman - an amazing woman (sorry couldnt resist) but one woman none the less. Here's the thing ......I want my life back. I want to just be the Mom. It is all I ever wanted to be....and on days like today I feel like it was stolen from me. Cause when I wanted to be fussing over soccer socks and band music and making sure I made dinner for my kids I was stressing over sales calls and budget numbers and making sure I was prepared for the billing meeting tomorrow. When I wanted to be taking my daughter to soccer practice so I could watch her coach run her ass into the ground....I came back to the office to finish some things up. My friend got to make my little one dinner and watch her run her ass into the ground. My friend gets to listen to the chatter in the backseat on the way home from practice - and everyone knows when you want to know what Em thinks you have to get first story.

And Em would rather be there than home - and it breaks my heart. She tells me it is like a family there. They have a Mom and a Dad and a trampoline and people to play with - at home Fele just likes to fight with her - the house is small and it isnt the same.

I want my life back - or atleast the opportunity to rebuild one.....but today that feels like a distant possibility. I spent too many years being angry and not enough time being open to things. I think I have met my cosmic lesson on closing yourself off from the world...karma is a bitch - and while I have always claimed to like her that way - today I am not so sure.......and yet I wait. I get closer daily - I get nods and signals - but no real invitiation - and yet walking away seems like it would be a HUGE mistake. Meanwhile I toil away at a job I once was so excited to have, but now fail to see the appeal - and fill my nights so full I cant possibly have a chance to feel lonely or sad.

and when I get home and the world quiets down my phone rings and that window that shows me what I used to have opens.....dammit I didnt miss it till I could hear it and smell it.

and tomorrow I will wake up and know I can handle it all. And Em will come home, and Fele will get her license and a car taking some of the pressure off and I will rock my sales calls and the center will continue to grow and all will be okay.

but today - it sucks HARD