she is important to you - and you are important to me

therefore if a=b and b=c I gotta give her another chance

a lot of talk about forgiveness lately. There are three different social circles, I guess you can say, in which this has come up for dicsussion. In quiet private conversations and in group discussions. in reference to forgiving oneself, forgiving another, and forgiveness of a more global nature.

I have always had no trouble forgiving others, and forgiving globally I can do it - the one I always struggle with is forgiving myself. Learned how to do that almost 2 years ago now, and it is the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I don't care how you define it, or under what context or set of rules you choose to condemn yourself, or your justification of why it is necessary - fact remains that until you can look at the things you have done, accept them for what they were - pick up the lessons and the pieces and identify what was gained and then move forward you will forever be stuck there.
Not forgiving someone, or yourself, is like packing up all your shit in a uhaul trailer and dragging it around with you from day to day. Every person you meet, every relationship you enter, every encounter you have you put that shit infront of you and then expect the other person to move around it, thru it or just walk away because it is too much to deal with.

its like hey - I know you treated me badly - and I know we need to find a way to work thru this or we wont be able to function in this circle we have both invested in - but everytime I talk to you I am going to first catalogue your transgressions so I can keep them fresh in my mind incase you do it again. Yeah - that's gonna work.

imagine if that were a conversation with yourself?

talk about living behind walls.....and if someone wants to be that alone and miserable it doesnt matter what you see in them or how badly you would like to convince them otherwise, until they can make peace with themselves all you can do is remind them what you see and why you think they are worth the effort.

problem is I have learned that people all have layers - like ogres or onions (or cake)

there is the mask they put on for the rest of the world - most people can see right thru that mask, but we work hard at keeping it on cause we are afraid if people see who we really are they might not like us.

but people see right thru that mask and see our core - they see who we are - what we are made of - what is in our heart and what makes us tick. They know if we are worth the effort or not - they see us in our purity and possibility. A good friend will ignore the mask and put their faith and love into who you are - despite how badly you fight to insist on teh mask.

problem is between the mask and who we are we have to look out thru a veil of our past. We look out and all we can see are our sins and mistakes, the hateful things we said or were said to us, the anger, the frustration, the things people did to us in the name of love or hate- we look out and see them every day - and we are terrified people will see that in us - or even worse that people will think we are our sins - that we are our mistakes - that there is a fatal flaw because a decent person would never allow this to happen to them- funny thing is people always seem to see the truth -good and bad - I think we are just too afraid to listen - well I should I say I know often I am

that is why forgiveness is amazing - not to get too religious - but that is why most faiths are based on the idea of a forgiving and a loving God. In Christianity we receive the ultimate forgiveness thru the ultimate sacrifice - God's only son - if you accept it and believe it - then it is yours as is God's kingdom- in Buddhism it is believed forgiveness is a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from wreaking havoc on your mental being - for when you live focusing on your transgressions you just ensure that they will repeat themselves - thru forgiveness you can live a peaceful life and help bring peace to those around you - in Hinduism atonement is practiced and thru atonement forgiveness is received. you can make atonement to yourself or to others - much like the practice in AA....first you have to be willing to make ammends, and you begin the hard work making sure you have made ammends when it wont cause further harm - I have often heard it referred to as cleaning up your side of the street. They can accept your offer or no - and you cant make them clean up their side of things, but knowing you extended the effort can allow you to begin the process of forgiving yourself, and others. The simple act of atonement (especially when you are forgiven) helps lead to forgivness of yourself for the wrongs you did while addicted which allows you to move forward - I could go on - every major religion or school of thought has a component of forgiveness - for as long as we chose to bear our burdon we cant let in the saving power of any diety regardless of how powerful they are.

a seat in hell is reserved for everyone who chooses it -and I have read enough bibles to know it isnt necessarily by their actions, deeds or thought - but often by their choice to continue chosing those actions - by their refusal to accept the grace that has been extended thru faith and their unwillingness to love and forgive themselves as those around them have already done.

Everyone is sent angels - reminders of God love - reminders of the great possibilities of living in the moment every day......hard part is to recognize them and accept them...and heaven forbid listen to them

I made a contract with myself when I went thru that seminar a year ago. Things I often forget about myself - you see it here from time to time, and on my facebook, or just as a sig line on my email.

I forgave myself for the bad choices I made, the things I put myself and my children thru, the times I didnt love and respect myself and allowed myself to be disrespected by those around me. I promised to remember that I am a beautiful, trusting, indomidable and worthy woman. I forget that sometimes and fall back into old patterns, but I am trying.

hmmmm - wonder what we will all be talking about next week?