she is important to you - and you are important to me

therefore if a=b and b=c I gotta give her another chance

a lot of talk about forgiveness lately. There are three different social circles, I guess you can say, in which this has come up for dicsussion. In quiet private conversations and in group discussions. in reference to forgiving oneself, forgiving another, and forgiveness of a more global nature.

I have always had no trouble forgiving others, and forgiving globally I can do it - the one I always struggle with is forgiving myself. Learned how to do that almost 2 years ago now, and it is the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I don't care how you define it, or under what context or set of rules you choose to condemn yourself, or your justification of why it is necessary - fact remains that until you can look at the things you have done, accept them for what they were - pick up the lessons and the pieces and identify what was gained and then move forward you will forever be stuck there.
Not forgiving someone, or yourself, is like packing up all your shit in a uhaul trailer and dragging it around with you from day to day. Every person you meet, every relationship you enter, every encounter you have you put that shit infront of you and then expect the other person to move around it, thru it or just walk away because it is too much to deal with.

its like hey - I know you treated me badly - and I know we need to find a way to work thru this or we wont be able to function in this circle we have both invested in - but everytime I talk to you I am going to first catalogue your transgressions so I can keep them fresh in my mind incase you do it again. Yeah - that's gonna work.

imagine if that were a conversation with yourself?

talk about living behind walls.....and if someone wants to be that alone and miserable it doesnt matter what you see in them or how badly you would like to convince them otherwise, until they can make peace with themselves all you can do is remind them what you see and why you think they are worth the effort.

problem is I have learned that people all have layers - like ogres or onions (or cake)

there is the mask they put on for the rest of the world - most people can see right thru that mask, but we work hard at keeping it on cause we are afraid if people see who we really are they might not like us.

but people see right thru that mask and see our core - they see who we are - what we are made of - what is in our heart and what makes us tick. They know if we are worth the effort or not - they see us in our purity and possibility. A good friend will ignore the mask and put their faith and love into who you are - despite how badly you fight to insist on teh mask.

problem is between the mask and who we are we have to look out thru a veil of our past. We look out and all we can see are our sins and mistakes, the hateful things we said or were said to us, the anger, the frustration, the things people did to us in the name of love or hate- we look out and see them every day - and we are terrified people will see that in us - or even worse that people will think we are our sins - that we are our mistakes - that there is a fatal flaw because a decent person would never allow this to happen to them- funny thing is people always seem to see the truth -good and bad - I think we are just too afraid to listen - well I should I say I know often I am

that is why forgiveness is amazing - not to get too religious - but that is why most faiths are based on the idea of a forgiving and a loving God. In Christianity we receive the ultimate forgiveness thru the ultimate sacrifice - God's only son - if you accept it and believe it - then it is yours as is God's kingdom- in Buddhism it is believed forgiveness is a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from wreaking havoc on your mental being - for when you live focusing on your transgressions you just ensure that they will repeat themselves - thru forgiveness you can live a peaceful life and help bring peace to those around you - in Hinduism atonement is practiced and thru atonement forgiveness is received. you can make atonement to yourself or to others - much like the practice in AA....first you have to be willing to make ammends, and you begin the hard work making sure you have made ammends when it wont cause further harm - I have often heard it referred to as cleaning up your side of the street. They can accept your offer or no - and you cant make them clean up their side of things, but knowing you extended the effort can allow you to begin the process of forgiving yourself, and others. The simple act of atonement (especially when you are forgiven) helps lead to forgivness of yourself for the wrongs you did while addicted which allows you to move forward - I could go on - every major religion or school of thought has a component of forgiveness - for as long as we chose to bear our burdon we cant let in the saving power of any diety regardless of how powerful they are.

a seat in hell is reserved for everyone who chooses it -and I have read enough bibles to know it isnt necessarily by their actions, deeds or thought - but often by their choice to continue chosing those actions - by their refusal to accept the grace that has been extended thru faith and their unwillingness to love and forgive themselves as those around them have already done.

Everyone is sent angels - reminders of God love - reminders of the great possibilities of living in the moment every day......hard part is to recognize them and accept them...and heaven forbid listen to them

I made a contract with myself when I went thru that seminar a year ago. Things I often forget about myself - you see it here from time to time, and on my facebook, or just as a sig line on my email.

I forgave myself for the bad choices I made, the things I put myself and my children thru, the times I didnt love and respect myself and allowed myself to be disrespected by those around me. I promised to remember that I am a beautiful, trusting, indomidable and worthy woman. I forget that sometimes and fall back into old patterns, but I am trying.

hmmmm - wonder what we will all be talking about next week?

Very very interesting

Not sure why I am writing publically so much lately. I never seem to be able to put this stuff into words when I am talking to friends, and I have filled pages in my journal this morning on the topic, but I can't let it go yet. Somehow this is different - hopefully different enough.

Got an interesting email the other day. Background - I am not good at standing up for myself. I will accommodate people till I have given everything and never ask for my moment. I often know exactly what I need to do, and won't follow thru on it for any reason, cause I am afraid to make waves. Funny how I am exactly the opposite in my professional world. Anyway, the email. It was from a guy I dated after my divorce. In it he talks about his recent attempt at starting something again. I avoided him, caved up and played hermit. Didn't answer his phone calls. One word responses to his texts, avoided any reason to go to where he was, and when I did have to go I made sure I was with friends so I had a barrier.

I know why I wasn't interested in rekindling things, but his perspective on the matter was interesting. He nailed it as a worthyness issue. That I didn't feel that I deserved to be treated well. That I didn't feel like I should be among the priorities in someones world. That I was okay taking a backseat to jobs and kids and hobbies and anyone who would make me important in their world was out of luck - cause I would cling to someone who ignores me.

Huh - I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with worthyness - but I don't know if he is on the mark here. I have no problem taking a back seat to kids - kids need to come first! I don't really believe I need to be the center focus of anyones world. I just want to be part of the inner circle. Live your day - fill it - and if at the end of the night you come home and want to share it with me then I am good - cause chances are I will have been out doing my thing too.

There are many reasons I did not want to rekindle that relationship....but I wonder - will I ever put effort into dating someone who treats me the way he claims I should be treated? Will I ever be able to let go of my independence enough to completely let someone in? Even if I meet someone and they start out paying me the kind of attention most women expect - I think my lack of need to be the focus and undemanding nature leads to them quickly change the focus to themselves....or maybe I am still making bad choices :)

I don't know - I recently discovered that I am not as okaywith being alone as I once was. In conversations with my daughter I have also discovered she feels I am either a good executive or a good mom. She then went onto clarify that even when being a bad mom I am far better than most of the mom population - she just misses the kind of mom I was when I stayed home and it was my only job. I think I view dating the same way - how do I maintain my independence and open myself up to someone.

Too many thoughts swimming around in my little head today. Taking them for a walk along the levy. Bringing a towell to dry my park bench and see if I can straighten it out. Didn't want to be dating again when I found myself in the process....and then I wasn't.....and now I wish I were. Backwards huh

water ways

I have always been drawn to water in motion. I love the ocean, but not near as much as lakes and rivers. The motion of the waters in the ocean are so chaotic. Constant churning and the rhythmic beating of the waves. After awhile I feel a lot of anxiety, a lot of restlessness. It is if the pounding waves have somehow transferred that extra energy to me.

Rivers are different. The water tumbles and babbles. Rushes sometimes - but always with direction and purpose. I can watch it and feel its purpose. Kinda helps me center myself. I set my anxieties afloat and watch them be carried away. I can feel the water's source - like the energy flowing my way.

Lakes are for peace. When I am at rest - just take me out on a boat - give me a book and a big floppy hat and my polarized sunglasses (and some spf 45 cause I am a pale girl) and just let me drift away. Somedays I want a pen and my journal and there I can write it all down - better than setting it afloat - cause on paper I own it.

Then there are the days lakes bring adventure. Floating strings of pontoon boats - music laughter and dancing. A red neck yaught club at its best. I watch the speed boats fly by faster than I can even imagine....recently I have learned how fast they can go - staggering really. Maybe motion over water would be just as freeing - I may never know.


There are two places here in town I go when my head is swimming - both on the great miami. The first is at the levy. There are some swinging benches - mine is the first one from the north bridge. Bring a jacket to curl up behind my back and I can sit for hours. Many tears have been shed on that bench. The bike cops know me and rarely hassel me when they see me there after hours. They seem to know when they should stop and chat and when to ride by. If my friends see me there they don't check the temperature - they know I don't go there happy - so they often come and sit and swing with me.....but they want to talk about it. I don't often go there when I am ready to talk - its where I sort it all out. I have this dream (I guess you would call it a dream) that someday there will be someone who knows to find me there. They will just pick up my feet - lay them in their lap. Rest their hand on my leg and then just sit with me - not worrying about when I will let it go - just knowing eventually I will - and that just being there is enough. Like I said - its a dream

The second place is along the same river - just at a different bend. There I sit on a marble bench dedicated to someone. It sits next to a covered bridge - and the water moves faster and is a bit lower here. I write a lot at this bridge. I go there when I am on the phone - when the conversation is easy and when its not. My friends haven't discovered my affinity for this bridge yet - but they will find me there - they always seem to find me when I try to hide. The road noise is louder and there is a ball field not far away - but I seem to be able to tune them all out.

I should have listened to myself and gone to the water today. Instead I tried to stay on task - kids - work - all that good stuff.

But maybe tomorrow. The water is definately calling

starting again already?

Its one of those days....one of the days when I wonder how I am supposed to do all of this. How am I supposed to develop a career that will allow me to support my children and give them every opportunity while getting the laundry done and keeping some semblence of a clean house and get them to soccer practice and band practice on time even while still having time to pick up binders for music and socks for soccer? Wow that sentence was Brontesque for sure!

I mean I am one woman - an amazing woman (sorry couldnt resist) but one woman none the less. Here's the thing ......I want my life back. I want to just be the Mom. It is all I ever wanted to be....and on days like today I feel like it was stolen from me. Cause when I wanted to be fussing over soccer socks and band music and making sure I made dinner for my kids I was stressing over sales calls and budget numbers and making sure I was prepared for the billing meeting tomorrow. When I wanted to be taking my daughter to soccer practice so I could watch her coach run her ass into the ground....I came back to the office to finish some things up. My friend got to make my little one dinner and watch her run her ass into the ground. My friend gets to listen to the chatter in the backseat on the way home from practice - and everyone knows when you want to know what Em thinks you have to get first story.

And Em would rather be there than home - and it breaks my heart. She tells me it is like a family there. They have a Mom and a Dad and a trampoline and people to play with - at home Fele just likes to fight with her - the house is small and it isnt the same.

I want my life back - or atleast the opportunity to rebuild one.....but today that feels like a distant possibility. I spent too many years being angry and not enough time being open to things. I think I have met my cosmic lesson on closing yourself off from the world...karma is a bitch - and while I have always claimed to like her that way - today I am not so sure.......and yet I wait. I get closer daily - I get nods and signals - but no real invitiation - and yet walking away seems like it would be a HUGE mistake. Meanwhile I toil away at a job I once was so excited to have, but now fail to see the appeal - and fill my nights so full I cant possibly have a chance to feel lonely or sad.

and when I get home and the world quiets down my phone rings and that window that shows me what I used to have opens.....dammit I didnt miss it till I could hear it and smell it.

and tomorrow I will wake up and know I can handle it all. And Em will come home, and Fele will get her license and a car taking some of the pressure off and I will rock my sales calls and the center will continue to grow and all will be okay.

but today - it sucks HARD

a thought for the day....from the pages of my childhood

books have always been a constant in my house - my Mom and Dad read to us until we could read to ourselves and I remember many nights lying between my sisters beds on the floor reading to them begging my Mom to let me read "just one more".....I have done the same for my girls, even as recently as a few months ago reading aloud to Felecia from a book she had to read for school that she hated so much she couldnt make herself read one more word. in books I have found dreams and escape and most of all inspiration. The greatest gift I ever got was shortly after my divorce when I was getting set up in my first solo apartment and beginning the task of being sole provider for my girls. I got a gift from my parents, attached was the line "a home for a bunny, a home of her own" I cried and cried.....next Christmas my Dad bought me the book - and it sits on my bookshelf next to all the other books I can not imagine not owning. such amazingly strong power in such simple words......

this week it has been a different bunny book from my childhood that is coming back to me.
the other day this passage showed up in my mailbox.....

The Velveteen Rabbit is a classy book for children with a message for adults. In it is a revealing nursery dialogue between a new toy rabbit and an old skin horse. As they are lying side by side one day, Rabbit asks Horse:
"What is REAL?" . . . "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

That's the thing about real.....the greatest compliment I have ever received is that I was one of the most real people someone has ever met. Real isnt about how pretty you are, how well you dress, how eloquently you speak or what car you drive. It isnt about the house you live in or even the books you have read - its about the way you live and love. Its the magic in acceptance without judgement. It is the sheer joy of loving people for who they are and where they are. It is living in the now- loving this moment in time and being fully present and letting the past and future take care of themselves. It is the way I want to be.

Recently I was looking at photos with a dear friend. the picture was of her and her new husband. He was leaning against a post and she was leaning into him - and the way they looked at eachother was the epitome of every love story you have ever read. It was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever seen....the picture was taken on the beach, the wind was blowing her hair, the dress was floating around her but all I could see was the look in their eyes......I dream of the day when someone will look at me that way - like the rest of the world disappears and it is all about that one moment and the two of us (but I digress). Anyway.....that picture started a long discussion about asthetics - what was more important - the hair out of place or the look in his eyes as the looked at her. I didn't know how to tell her - no one would see the hair - they would be captured by her smile and his eyes.


I should have read her the Velveteen Rabbit

Velveteen Love Song
My coat is all tattered and worn to shreds My whiskers have wandered away.I picked up some dirt in some flower beds I think that it’s in there to stay.But deep in your eyes are a needle and thread And a wonder that scrubs me so clean.I see in their mirror, I’m beautiful. I pose and I laugh and I preen. My bottom’s as stout as it’s always been. And maybe a little bit more?I never believed they were good for much‘cept keeping my ears off the floor;But then when you take me and toss me high, I fly like the fleetest Gazelle.And the joy that my dusty heart takes in your touchis more then a rabbit can tell My eyes are just buttons of two penny glass They’re either too brown or too green.One of them might not stay on too much longer.There’s plenty they’ve both never seen.But they see my way clear to a home in your heart. I live in the love that you feel.And there of all places , A place of my ownWhere a velveteen rabbit is real.
— Velveteen Love Song by Bob Franke