a fine line

There is a really fine line between trusting someone and allowing that trust to keep you from making choices you feel are best

example - my kid - my oldest is amazing! she is truely trustworthy. lately i she has been spending more time with her boyfriend - no biggie - but at my house - still no biggie- but when I am not home - BIGGIE!

do i trust her - yes

is she a teenager who can be carried away by a moment and make a choice that will change the direction of her life? yes

is her boyfriend a good kid? yes

is he a teenage bundle of male hormones and one thing on his mind? yes

do i think she is stupid, thoughless or careless? no

do i want to see her struggle the rest of her life - no, not if i can help it?

have i raised her to be an incredible young woman who knows what she wants and isnt going to let anyone push her around? yes

is she still plagued by the same self-esteem issues that lead most girls to give in? yes

is she strong? yes

do i know, maybe better than most, that strong people have sometimes a greater need for love and acceptance and just want to hear for one minute that they dont have to be so strong? yes

do I trust her? yes - absolutely

does that mean I just disregard my gut instincts and allow her ample opportunity? no

I know what teenagers are capable of - I was one - and it wasn't that long ago
i have friends who are men who remember what it was like to be a teenage boy- friends who deal with the aftermath of that kind of thing every day - people who care so they give me shit
- it is their way of saying - hey - I know you are the mom who knows your kid - but be careful - you didnt get your tubes tied to raise a grandchild

she comes from fertile stock - both of my kids were born despite my best attempts and birth control

what if the same thing happens?

she doesnt have to like me - and she doesnt have to understand

she can say things like - great - now we have the same mother daughter relationship as everyone else I know - I thought you trusted me - I thought you were different

she can say it - and I know we have the same relationship we have always had

I know I know her - I also know that I still struggle with decisions when hormones are involved

so she doesnt like me - meh

I would like her to like me - but that isn't my job

my job is to get her to adulthood in as close to one piece as possible - use my experience and knowledge to protect her when i can - and hope she will learn from my mistakes

i know she has to make her own

i just dont have to make it easy

chinese delivery

I remember a day About a year ago now

I couldn't take one more thing
I couldn't handle one more need
I was done

I drove to your house - you let me in I just sat there on your couch - not talking - not listening. Just being there

Slowly I started to let it all go
The weight of all the balls I juggle
The stress of keeping my ducks in a row
The mask of control - the need to be strong - the fear of letting it down
I just let it all go

I sat on your couch
Pet the cats
Drank - laughed - cried

My phone rang - over and over
You turned off the ringer
The texts were flying

We ordered chinese for delivery - not for us but for my children a hundred miles away

I remember telling you I couldn't do it anymore - and that I just needed to be

You didn't want anything from me - you didn't ask for anything from me - you let me lay there - absolutely overwhelmed by the demands of my life - the voices of my world and the pressures of my day

You held me and for a minute I felt safe again

I remember that feeling today - how it felt to be held by someone who wanted nothing from me yet was willing to give just what I needed without asking

And most days I juggle well - I can hold it all together and my ducklings stay perfectly in line.

I miss that feeling

And today it is all I want

a fortunate accident

I spend my life with what ifs...... with watched words - with baited breath hoping someone else will open the door and then I can just walk thru

I like to be invited - I want someone else to match my risk

but it needs to be my risk - or it can't be my gain


I wrote that about a year ago - almost like a land mark - one I keep passing over and over

I thought I was walking in circles - coming back to the same place - over and over again - like I wasn't actually getting anywhere

and then I looked - it isn't that I wasn't getting anywhere - it isn't that I am walking in the same circles over and over again - it isn't that i am stuck - even though it feels that way

i simply am walking in ever narrowing circles around the goal

i keep passing the same landmark - only it gets farther away each time I pass it - and my destination seems to be getting closer.

i have to believe I am on my way - i dont know where - i just keep hoping i am not alone at the end of the road