Okay - so I know regardless it's gonna hurt - i mean if it works - if it doesn't - good or bad - regardless I know it's gonna hurt some time.
so - I watch my choices - watch my decisions - watch the doors I choose to walk thru and the places I choose to open myself up.
When I decide to open up - even a little bit - I am still picking safe choices - okay makes sense in a warped and convuluted way. I mean if you were starting to train for a marathon you wouldn't try and run 26 miles the first day - would you?
So I start opening myself up it bits and pieces - little things here and there -showing more of who I am and less of the masks that keep me safe - and I start with people who were there when I started this process - and then I keep finding safe people - safe for whatever reason - because they sought me out - because they really dont expect much of me so I can just be real - and on some level safe because I can stop and look and see that they are incredibly closed down themselves, so they of coarse will fight to keep walls up and therefore my openess is really no risk - because they wont let me in
the problem is my old script says when they dont let me in that there then must be something wrong with me - they reject me because i am not good enough - so for a minute I let myself believe that - for a minute - in the moment - struggle with my worth because they either reject me out of hand or just subtlely reject me - they stay closed off - wont let me in - insult me in a grade-school kinda way - write rules that I cant keep track of - flip on and off like a light switch - live like 2 different people - the one I know and the one everyone else sees
and I let myself believe for a minute that it is my fault - something I have done wrong - something about me that brings out that behavior in other people
but really it is just them - their rules - thier script - their reaction to things that scare them, or upset them, or make them nervous or angry or whatever
As long as I am being me - I mean really being myself - and being open and honest and just allowing myself to be real and in the moment - then other people's reactions belong to them - and it isn't personal! i mean it's not about me!
I can't take it personally - praise or criticism - not personal - when people are open and loving back or when they are mean and closed - it isnt personal
so I know it - and i catch it within minutes of the interaction - and yet.....i keep repeating the pattern
if someone can not be honest about themselves - their situation - they feel the need to create several realities and keep them all seperate and warn folks who cross over what is safe and what is not
or maybe they flip on and off like a light switch - kind one moment - cruel the next - flirty and fun one minute - cruel and disinterested the next - If I am the same in both instances - in all interactions then it isnt about me
it isn't personal
and I can't allow myself to let my self worth be tied up in other peoples reactions to me - good or bad - I just cant do it anymore
and yes - by sticking with safe folks who I know how they will react and I can continue to struggle with these old lessons and pretend not to understand is far safer than what will happen when someone decides to reciprocate my openness with their own
it is all terrifying
and all frustrating
makes my happy little cave for winter look really tempting
but I dont want that for myself
not anymore
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
the trouble with patterns
Here is the thing about patterns - once you see them you can't ignore them
try it sometime - once you see a pattern in the random swirl you will never see randomness again - you just can't
and once you identify a pattern in your life - you can never pretend it doesnt exist again
I keep seeing the same thing play out in my life - opening the door to relationships with people who are very much one way when one on one - but very different when around other people - or opening myself up to people who are so worried about the appearance of things that they change their behaviors, their level of honesty, their actions and reactions, even their definition of our relationship based on who is around, what others might think of the situation, and how it will work out for them in the end.
Sometimes it is simple little things - depending on their level of safety in the interaction they may change from incredibly flirtatious to giving the cold shoulder in a matter of minutes or from interaction to interaction - or despite me just being me- they say some of the most cold and evil things - and somehow I had it in my head that thier opinion of me mattered - like despite the fact that they really dont know me - or who i am that their opinion (or lack there of) meant more than the people who know me - and love me and tell me on a regular basis that they miss being around me - or maybe even my opinion of me......i mean I really like me - I think i am actually pretty fun - and their behavior - while it shouldnt have surprised me - really crushed my feelings there for a bit
these are people (yes - people as in more than one) who if you look at their life - and their choices you can see that they don't allow themselves to be happy - not really - they are either in self destructive patterns - or just keep themselves seperate from the rest of the world in some way - not only do they have figurative walls- in a lot of ways they keep physical barriers to intimacy up
maybe they aren't quite honest about their situation - or they filter the truth depending on who they are talking to - so to tell any story they are involved in you must first try and figure out how much of the truth they may have shared with the crowd you are in - sometimes you realize that in an effort to save face -or make sure they get what they need out of the situation they only reveal a partial truth - or only hint at what is really going on - and then when they finally come clean - and really open up about what is going on and admit that they weren't quite honest about things - and tell me how badly they feel about their lack of complete honesty - i listen to it - like their guilt has anything to do with their choices - instead of letting them know how angry I was with their lack of consideration for my feelings in the situation - I listened to their problems and then offered some advice - well maybe not advice but the guidance they were asking for - i was more worried about their feelings in the matter - and their feelings of guilt about their lack of honesty than I was about the fact that I had been treated disrespected
that is my pattern - I put myself in a position where when disrespcted or disregarded instead of standing up for myself - or taking a stand - or just flat out saying how i feel - I spend my energy worrying about how they feel that caused them to choose to react that way to me- and how I can accomodate them to make them more comfortable so they can be more open or honest - and it must be something I did or didnt are arent doing - because if I just understand and I just make sure they know they are accepted then they really will be more consistent in their treatment of my feelings - right???
and my friends sit and watch these interactions - and they ask me why i would consider allowing people to treat me this way- why I would tolerate that kind of disrespectful treatment
and the pattern is not honoring myself - not respecting myself and my value in a situation
not believing for every minute of every encounter that I am worthy
that is the trouble with patterns
once you identify them - you can't ignore them
even if you dont know how to fix them
try it sometime - once you see a pattern in the random swirl you will never see randomness again - you just can't
and once you identify a pattern in your life - you can never pretend it doesnt exist again
I keep seeing the same thing play out in my life - opening the door to relationships with people who are very much one way when one on one - but very different when around other people - or opening myself up to people who are so worried about the appearance of things that they change their behaviors, their level of honesty, their actions and reactions, even their definition of our relationship based on who is around, what others might think of the situation, and how it will work out for them in the end.
Sometimes it is simple little things - depending on their level of safety in the interaction they may change from incredibly flirtatious to giving the cold shoulder in a matter of minutes or from interaction to interaction - or despite me just being me- they say some of the most cold and evil things - and somehow I had it in my head that thier opinion of me mattered - like despite the fact that they really dont know me - or who i am that their opinion (or lack there of) meant more than the people who know me - and love me and tell me on a regular basis that they miss being around me - or maybe even my opinion of me......i mean I really like me - I think i am actually pretty fun - and their behavior - while it shouldnt have surprised me - really crushed my feelings there for a bit
these are people (yes - people as in more than one) who if you look at their life - and their choices you can see that they don't allow themselves to be happy - not really - they are either in self destructive patterns - or just keep themselves seperate from the rest of the world in some way - not only do they have figurative walls- in a lot of ways they keep physical barriers to intimacy up
maybe they aren't quite honest about their situation - or they filter the truth depending on who they are talking to - so to tell any story they are involved in you must first try and figure out how much of the truth they may have shared with the crowd you are in - sometimes you realize that in an effort to save face -or make sure they get what they need out of the situation they only reveal a partial truth - or only hint at what is really going on - and then when they finally come clean - and really open up about what is going on and admit that they weren't quite honest about things - and tell me how badly they feel about their lack of complete honesty - i listen to it - like their guilt has anything to do with their choices - instead of letting them know how angry I was with their lack of consideration for my feelings in the situation - I listened to their problems and then offered some advice - well maybe not advice but the guidance they were asking for - i was more worried about their feelings in the matter - and their feelings of guilt about their lack of honesty than I was about the fact that I had been treated disrespected
that is my pattern - I put myself in a position where when disrespcted or disregarded instead of standing up for myself - or taking a stand - or just flat out saying how i feel - I spend my energy worrying about how they feel that caused them to choose to react that way to me- and how I can accomodate them to make them more comfortable so they can be more open or honest - and it must be something I did or didnt are arent doing - because if I just understand and I just make sure they know they are accepted then they really will be more consistent in their treatment of my feelings - right???
and my friends sit and watch these interactions - and they ask me why i would consider allowing people to treat me this way- why I would tolerate that kind of disrespectful treatment
and the pattern is not honoring myself - not respecting myself and my value in a situation
not believing for every minute of every encounter that I am worthy
that is the trouble with patterns
once you identify them - you can't ignore them
even if you dont know how to fix them
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
thoughts after Obamas victory
Looking for a book to read - try this one
It has changed the way I look at the world. In it a very simple but mind blowing concept is discussed. The difference between power and force. That power is based in the truth - that it is self sustaining and based in love and faith and trust.
that force is based in fear and to lead by force there has to be a risk - something to lose - that a belief can be planted that unless you follow the force you will lose more than if you stand up for what you believe. It can not be self sustaining and is not a natural choice.
When I first heard Barack Obama speak I said that there was something about him - that he was leading from a place of power while I saw McCain leading from a very familiar place of force
I said I heard something in his words that spoke to me on a level I didnt realize was listening - that he touched something in me that was so real and so amazing
I heard power and I felt love and honor and faith and trust
and tonight listening to his acceptance speech and listening him invoke the words and the timbre of Lincoln and King.....and listening him talk about what we need to do - and how this victory and this job was ours - not just his
I just kept crying - sobbing really - I couldnt stop - many times during his speech I just broke down in waves of un-controllable tears - not tears of sadness - the kind of tears you cry at a wedding - or when a baby is born
it felt like hope - and a blessing and a long time coming
it felt like something I have been holding my breath for - something I have been waiting for for a long long time now
it felt like i was crying tears for a lot of people - not just for me - it felt like I was part of something bigger - a wave of hope and pride - of relief and joy - of celebration for a day that we thought would never come
and while I am so scared - so nervous - so afraid of what will happen and how people will react - I am so excited about the possibility of a country that is led by a man who expects and encourages us to be a part - and to be a part of something that is grounded in such power
It has changed the way I look at the world. In it a very simple but mind blowing concept is discussed. The difference between power and force. That power is based in the truth - that it is self sustaining and based in love and faith and trust.
that force is based in fear and to lead by force there has to be a risk - something to lose - that a belief can be planted that unless you follow the force you will lose more than if you stand up for what you believe. It can not be self sustaining and is not a natural choice.
When I first heard Barack Obama speak I said that there was something about him - that he was leading from a place of power while I saw McCain leading from a very familiar place of force
I said I heard something in his words that spoke to me on a level I didnt realize was listening - that he touched something in me that was so real and so amazing
I heard power and I felt love and honor and faith and trust
and tonight listening to his acceptance speech and listening him invoke the words and the timbre of Lincoln and King.....and listening him talk about what we need to do - and how this victory and this job was ours - not just his
I just kept crying - sobbing really - I couldnt stop - many times during his speech I just broke down in waves of un-controllable tears - not tears of sadness - the kind of tears you cry at a wedding - or when a baby is born
it felt like hope - and a blessing and a long time coming
it felt like something I have been holding my breath for - something I have been waiting for for a long long time now
it felt like i was crying tears for a lot of people - not just for me - it felt like I was part of something bigger - a wave of hope and pride - of relief and joy - of celebration for a day that we thought would never come
and while I am so scared - so nervous - so afraid of what will happen and how people will react - I am so excited about the possibility of a country that is led by a man who expects and encourages us to be a part - and to be a part of something that is grounded in such power
Monday, November 3, 2008
clarity and confusion
They say we are all mirrors for one another
and what I see is just a reflection of what I am
they say we are here to provide learning opportunities
and life plays like a cd on repeat until my lesson is mastered
they say to be truely happy you must be enough for yourself
and until that day I will just keep attracting the pieces I am missing
they say if you know it and you dont do it then you dont know it
and then one day I do it
and I know it
and I live it
and I feel this amazing moment of power and clarity
and then I look around and realize that with clarity comes a new challenge
and with the challenge comes a new set of mirrors
and what I see is just a reflection of what I am
they say we are here to provide learning opportunities
and life plays like a cd on repeat until my lesson is mastered
they say to be truely happy you must be enough for yourself
and until that day I will just keep attracting the pieces I am missing
they say if you know it and you dont do it then you dont know it
and then one day I do it
and I know it
and I live it
and I feel this amazing moment of power and clarity
and then I look around and realize that with clarity comes a new challenge
and with the challenge comes a new set of mirrors
clarity and confusion......
I am beginning to think they go hand in hand.
Some days I see my struggle so clearly
I see what I want - I feel so good to be me - in my life - with my struggles and my victories - with my friends and my daughters - with my cats and my life
I know what it feels like to love every piece of me- even the pieces I don't particularly like
and I wonder if I will ever get to a place where I don't let the reactions of some people......people who somehow I have attached extreme importance to their acceptance of me.....where their reactions - or lack of reactions - don't affect so negatively
and when i walk away - and realize that they got me again in that moment I am so frustrated that they did
the funny thing is when i lay down at night and snuggle up in my down comforter while the kitten attacks my feet and the big cat tries to get her to settle down I am content. I am so happy.
Not that I want to go to bed alone for the rest of my life - but at the end of the day I make me happy - I am enough and I make me smile - and I know that someday someone else who is enough for themselves will want to share space and time with me - and it will be good
and when the enigma wrapped up in a riddle who just manages to push enough of my buttons in all the right and all the wrong ways reacts cooly it unnerves me - and then I leave and I think about it - and I am still happy with me - and who I am - and who I am in the presence of others
and I wonder how the riddle got to me
and i wonder if I will ever be able to not be gotten
and then I have that moment of clarity - that leads to confusion - that leads to clarity
Some days I see my struggle so clearly
I see what I want - I feel so good to be me - in my life - with my struggles and my victories - with my friends and my daughters - with my cats and my life
I know what it feels like to love every piece of me- even the pieces I don't particularly like
and I wonder if I will ever get to a place where I don't let the reactions of some people......people who somehow I have attached extreme importance to their acceptance of me.....where their reactions - or lack of reactions - don't affect so negatively
and when i walk away - and realize that they got me again in that moment I am so frustrated that they did
the funny thing is when i lay down at night and snuggle up in my down comforter while the kitten attacks my feet and the big cat tries to get her to settle down I am content. I am so happy.
Not that I want to go to bed alone for the rest of my life - but at the end of the day I make me happy - I am enough and I make me smile - and I know that someday someone else who is enough for themselves will want to share space and time with me - and it will be good
and when the enigma wrapped up in a riddle who just manages to push enough of my buttons in all the right and all the wrong ways reacts cooly it unnerves me - and then I leave and I think about it - and I am still happy with me - and who I am - and who I am in the presence of others
and I wonder how the riddle got to me
and i wonder if I will ever be able to not be gotten
and then I have that moment of clarity - that leads to confusion - that leads to clarity
Sunday, November 2, 2008
don't boo....just vote
It was a year ago that I met a man named Mike. Mike works with this amazing lady named Kathy and together they asked a lot of questions and told a lot of stories that completely changed the way I think about the world and my place in it.
I was able to get out of my head for a minute and realize that the pain and sadness and the anger I felt were only as powerful as I let them be. That the love I have always felt for people is really not love until I give it away. That life can be different - for me and for everyone around me, if only I give it a chance.
tonight I took my eldest daughter to listen to Barack Obama speak. I have never been a political rally kind of girl. I have gotten out of taking her to every other rally that has been around town. I have honestly had work to do those days and no way to reschedule the appointments, but I am not for a second going to pretend I wasn't relieved that we couldnt go.
I am not a huge political person - I HATE the finger pointing and the back biting and the slander thrown from camp to camp. I can't stand the bashing adn the name calling and the fact that it seems to be more about explaining why the other guy sucks then why the guy infront of you can do a good job.
Tonight I heard Barack Obama. He talked about what he wants to do. He talked about what he can do. He actually thanked John McCain for his service and his sacrifice. He thanked him for the good things he has done, but he said that he thinks McCain is not the man we need. Then instead of bashing McCain to hell and back he talked about the choices McCain made and why Obama feels that other choices would have been better. Then Sen Obama proceeded to tell us what he would do.
At one point he mentioned what McCain had done and the crowd started to boo - what an ugly sound. My stomach dropped and I was sure I was in for more hate speech and fear mongering - but then he said something that literally made me tear up. He said "Hey now....don't boo - Just Vote!"
I almost jumped out of my bleacher seat !! Here is a man teaching a crowd of people what their mothers should have taught them in childhood. Don't bash - dont get ugly - dont be hateful or rude or mean - do something to change it!
Life is really that simple - if you don't like what you are getting - then do something to change it
i listened a whole new way after that - this man not only believes in something different - he believes that there is a new way.
I thought about all the really good people who seem to be enthralled with the McCain ticket
and i realize that there were probably really good women who didn't understand why other women thought the right to vote was important
and there were probably really good men who felt the same
and if you could ask them today if given the chance they could go back and change their mind and their actions - they might take you up on that offer
but maybe not
so I hope that on tuesday my country will cast their vote for a new kind of election
for a new kind of campaign - for a way of life that doesnt involve hate speech and fear mongering
and maybe things can be different
and maybe in being different we can find more peace
I was able to get out of my head for a minute and realize that the pain and sadness and the anger I felt were only as powerful as I let them be. That the love I have always felt for people is really not love until I give it away. That life can be different - for me and for everyone around me, if only I give it a chance.
tonight I took my eldest daughter to listen to Barack Obama speak. I have never been a political rally kind of girl. I have gotten out of taking her to every other rally that has been around town. I have honestly had work to do those days and no way to reschedule the appointments, but I am not for a second going to pretend I wasn't relieved that we couldnt go.
I am not a huge political person - I HATE the finger pointing and the back biting and the slander thrown from camp to camp. I can't stand the bashing adn the name calling and the fact that it seems to be more about explaining why the other guy sucks then why the guy infront of you can do a good job.
Tonight I heard Barack Obama. He talked about what he wants to do. He talked about what he can do. He actually thanked John McCain for his service and his sacrifice. He thanked him for the good things he has done, but he said that he thinks McCain is not the man we need. Then instead of bashing McCain to hell and back he talked about the choices McCain made and why Obama feels that other choices would have been better. Then Sen Obama proceeded to tell us what he would do.
At one point he mentioned what McCain had done and the crowd started to boo - what an ugly sound. My stomach dropped and I was sure I was in for more hate speech and fear mongering - but then he said something that literally made me tear up. He said "Hey now....don't boo - Just Vote!"
I almost jumped out of my bleacher seat !! Here is a man teaching a crowd of people what their mothers should have taught them in childhood. Don't bash - dont get ugly - dont be hateful or rude or mean - do something to change it!
Life is really that simple - if you don't like what you are getting - then do something to change it
i listened a whole new way after that - this man not only believes in something different - he believes that there is a new way.
I thought about all the really good people who seem to be enthralled with the McCain ticket
and i realize that there were probably really good women who didn't understand why other women thought the right to vote was important
and there were probably really good men who felt the same
and if you could ask them today if given the chance they could go back and change their mind and their actions - they might take you up on that offer
but maybe not
so I hope that on tuesday my country will cast their vote for a new kind of election
for a new kind of campaign - for a way of life that doesnt involve hate speech and fear mongering
and maybe things can be different
and maybe in being different we can find more peace
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