I am beginning to think they go hand in hand.
Some days I see my struggle so clearly
I see what I want - I feel so good to be me - in my life - with my struggles and my victories - with my friends and my daughters - with my cats and my life
I know what it feels like to love every piece of me- even the pieces I don't particularly like
and I wonder if I will ever get to a place where I don't let the reactions of some people......people who somehow I have attached extreme importance to their acceptance of me.....where their reactions - or lack of reactions - don't affect so negatively
and when i walk away - and realize that they got me again in that moment I am so frustrated that they did
the funny thing is when i lay down at night and snuggle up in my down comforter while the kitten attacks my feet and the big cat tries to get her to settle down I am content. I am so happy.
Not that I want to go to bed alone for the rest of my life - but at the end of the day I make me happy - I am enough and I make me smile - and I know that someday someone else who is enough for themselves will want to share space and time with me - and it will be good
and when the enigma wrapped up in a riddle who just manages to push enough of my buttons in all the right and all the wrong ways reacts cooly it unnerves me - and then I leave and I think about it - and I am still happy with me - and who I am - and who I am in the presence of others
and I wonder how the riddle got to me
and i wonder if I will ever be able to not be gotten
and then I have that moment of clarity - that leads to confusion - that leads to clarity
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