still watching those patterns

Okay - so I know regardless it's gonna hurt - i mean if it works - if it doesn't - good or bad - regardless I know it's gonna hurt some time.

so - I watch my choices - watch my decisions - watch the doors I choose to walk thru and the places I choose to open myself up.

When I decide to open up - even a little bit - I am still picking safe choices - okay makes sense in a warped and convuluted way. I mean if you were starting to train for a marathon you wouldn't try and run 26 miles the first day - would you?

So I start opening myself up it bits and pieces - little things here and there -showing more of who I am and less of the masks that keep me safe - and I start with people who were there when I started this process - and then I keep finding safe people - safe for whatever reason - because they sought me out - because they really dont expect much of me so I can just be real - and on some level safe because I can stop and look and see that they are incredibly closed down themselves, so they of coarse will fight to keep walls up and therefore my openess is really no risk - because they wont let me in

the problem is my old script says when they dont let me in that there then must be something wrong with me - they reject me because i am not good enough - so for a minute I let myself believe that - for a minute - in the moment - struggle with my worth because they either reject me out of hand or just subtlely reject me - they stay closed off - wont let me in - insult me in a grade-school kinda way - write rules that I cant keep track of - flip on and off like a light switch - live like 2 different people - the one I know and the one everyone else sees

and I let myself believe for a minute that it is my fault - something I have done wrong - something about me that brings out that behavior in other people

but really it is just them - their rules - thier script - their reaction to things that scare them, or upset them, or make them nervous or angry or whatever

As long as I am being me - I mean really being myself - and being open and honest and just allowing myself to be real and in the moment - then other people's reactions belong to them - and it isn't personal! i mean it's not about me!

I can't take it personally - praise or criticism - not personal - when people are open and loving back or when they are mean and closed - it isnt personal

so I know it - and i catch it within minutes of the interaction - and yet.....i keep repeating the pattern

if someone can not be honest about themselves - their situation - they feel the need to create several realities and keep them all seperate and warn folks who cross over what is safe and what is not

or maybe they flip on and off like a light switch - kind one moment - cruel the next - flirty and fun one minute - cruel and disinterested the next - If I am the same in both instances - in all interactions then it isnt about me

it isn't personal

and I can't allow myself to let my self worth be tied up in other peoples reactions to me - good or bad - I just cant do it anymore

and yes - by sticking with safe folks who I know how they will react and I can continue to struggle with these old lessons and pretend not to understand is far safer than what will happen when someone decides to reciprocate my openness with their own

it is all terrifying

and all frustrating

makes my happy little cave for winter look really tempting

but I dont want that for myself

not anymore