so close and yet so far

The word safe keeps coming to mind.

I can't remember the last time I felt safe - well maybe I can. The last time I remember really sleeping thru the night - sleeping like a baby without the assitance of sleep medication was shortly after Felecia was born - when I was still at home. For 17 years I have slept restlessly - waking at noises - waking up to walk the house and check on the kids - waking up to finish a project - pay a bill - put in a movie and attempt to sleep again.

I wonder if I will ever feel secure again. If I will ever be able to close my eyes and nod off in the knowledge that there is nothing for me to do - that everything will wait for morning and if it doesn't - someone else can handle it.

I wonder if I will ever feel that way again. I have felt it in different places for a minute - for an hour - but I want it forever

the peace that passes all understanding

There is such simple beauty in the peace that comes after the storm. A few weeks of insanity, self doubt, anger and frustration culminating with me taking a stand for myself (not a new experience - but one I haven't exercised in a long time) and today I am back on my game.

I feel like I own my world again - like I can captain my ship, but more importantly, that I am good with just letting it drift. I feel like things can happen as they need to and I have proven once again that at the end of the day I will be just fine.

The same river I sit by when my mind is raging offers a different kind of peace today. The crickets and locusts are singing their songs - the late afternoon sun is warm and welcomed on the back of my neck and the first hints of fall are hitting the trees. The water is moving at a gentle pace pushing little leaf boats downstream and I am loving every second of it.