the trouble with patterns

Here is the thing about patterns - once you see them you can't ignore them

try it sometime - once you see a pattern in the random swirl you will never see randomness again - you just can't

and once you identify a pattern in your life - you can never pretend it doesnt exist again

I keep seeing the same thing play out in my life - opening the door to relationships with people who are very much one way when one on one - but very different when around other people - or opening myself up to people who are so worried about the appearance of things that they change their behaviors, their level of honesty, their actions and reactions, even their definition of our relationship based on who is around, what others might think of the situation, and how it will work out for them in the end.

Sometimes it is simple little things - depending on their level of safety in the interaction they may change from incredibly flirtatious to giving the cold shoulder in a matter of minutes or from interaction to interaction - or despite me just being me- they say some of the most cold and evil things - and somehow I had it in my head that thier opinion of me mattered - like despite the fact that they really dont know me - or who i am that their opinion (or lack there of) meant more than the people who know me - and love me and tell me on a regular basis that they miss being around me - or maybe even my opinion of me......i mean I really like me - I think i am actually pretty fun - and their behavior - while it shouldnt have surprised me - really crushed my feelings there for a bit

these are people (yes - people as in more than one) who if you look at their life - and their choices you can see that they don't allow themselves to be happy - not really - they are either in self destructive patterns - or just keep themselves seperate from the rest of the world in some way - not only do they have figurative walls- in a lot of ways they keep physical barriers to intimacy up

maybe they aren't quite honest about their situation - or they filter the truth depending on who they are talking to - so to tell any story they are involved in you must first try and figure out how much of the truth they may have shared with the crowd you are in - sometimes you realize that in an effort to save face -or make sure they get what they need out of the situation they only reveal a partial truth - or only hint at what is really going on - and then when they finally come clean - and really open up about what is going on and admit that they weren't quite honest about things - and tell me how badly they feel about their lack of complete honesty - i listen to it - like their guilt has anything to do with their choices - instead of letting them know how angry I was with their lack of consideration for my feelings in the situation - I listened to their problems and then offered some advice - well maybe not advice but the guidance they were asking for - i was more worried about their feelings in the matter - and their feelings of guilt about their lack of honesty than I was about the fact that I had been treated disrespected

that is my pattern - I put myself in a position where when disrespcted or disregarded instead of standing up for myself - or taking a stand - or just flat out saying how i feel - I spend my energy worrying about how they feel that caused them to choose to react that way to me- and how I can accomodate them to make them more comfortable so they can be more open or honest - and it must be something I did or didnt are arent doing - because if I just understand and I just make sure they know they are accepted then they really will be more consistent in their treatment of my feelings - right???

and my friends sit and watch these interactions - and they ask me why i would consider allowing people to treat me this way- why I would tolerate that kind of disrespectful treatment

and the pattern is not honoring myself - not respecting myself and my value in a situation

not believing for every minute of every encounter that I am worthy

that is the trouble with patterns

once you identify them - you can't ignore them

even if you dont know how to fix them