dinks

You ever meet that couple? Both from solid backgrounds, good families - nice childhood - good education - they hold the degrees they want to and have done what they wanted with them. They have been married for several years and always talk about having children - but there is always something they need to do first. They wanted to be young and married first - travel and spend time together - then they need to establish careers first - make a stable financial environment so their kid would want for nothing - then they need to buy the house - and have the cars - and now they are too busy at work - and when they have the house and the car and the portfolio and the experience the economy takes a shit and they just don't know if it is wise to bring a kid into this world where everything is so uncertain. Then she hears the clock start ticking and she decides its time to move ahead - reluctantly he agrees - but now she is having trouble conceiving - her eggs are too old - things don't work the way they did when the body was ready to have babies in her 20s - they spend years and countless dollars in their quest to have atleast one of the four children they dreamed of - and toil and stress over adoption....what was to be joy is heartache and struggle - cause they waited till they had all their ducks in a row

See - its never perfect - its never gonna be just the right time - there will never be an anwer to every question - and things will never be perfectly in place. Sometimes you have to look at the possibilities - decide you want that more than you don't and jump - and pray that someone throws out a net to catch you.

Walking this fine line between hope and reality sucks - especially when you are half way there, your arms are quivering from holding the bar and you just don't know if you will make it across...despite the fact that you know what you have been working for is within your reach

Sometimes you struggle - sometimes it takes everything you have to hold on. And every now and again you have to reach out and know that someone is going to be there to believe enough for both of you - until you can believe it for yourself.

Hope and optimism open me up for hurt and failure. That is scary shit right there. To want something and not do anything about it - seems safe....but really its just ensuring my lonliness and fear will remain. Then again - ignoring reality and not acknowledging that maybe I am just not worth the risk.....no - that isn't it. Not even gonna let myself go there.

The river isn't doing its job today - too many things floating around in my head. Things I thought I had a handle on - things I thought I set myself straight on - all stirred up again - and I stand here - my hand stretched out - believing with everything I am that its worth the jump....but I can't take this jump alone - and I can't make anyone believe that I'm worth the risk - and I can't promise that there will be a time when it is perfect.