who what when why how

who what when why how

I stopped dreaming again
I'm not sure when
I locked it down
the passion that filled my days
the fire that burned so brightly
back behind an iron wall

I stopped feeling love again
I'm not sure why
I put it away
the joy I let fill my heart
the glue that holds the cracks together
cast aside like a broken toy

I stopped living again
I'm not sure how
I fake it well
stringing together moments to fill the void
choosing numbness over pain or joy
once so full I could feel my skin fighting to contain it all

I stopped believing again
I'm not sure in who
I want it back
the knowledge that this is perfect
the truth that this is where I want to be
needing to be here and now


I stopped fighting again
I'm not sure what
I will fight
for being a part of my own magic
for living the in present moment
knowing it is the only one that matters
secure the love is worth it

a fine line

There is a really fine line between trusting someone and allowing that trust to keep you from making choices you feel are best

example - my kid - my oldest is amazing! she is truely trustworthy. lately i she has been spending more time with her boyfriend - no biggie - but at my house - still no biggie- but when I am not home - BIGGIE!

do i trust her - yes

is she a teenager who can be carried away by a moment and make a choice that will change the direction of her life? yes

is her boyfriend a good kid? yes

is he a teenage bundle of male hormones and one thing on his mind? yes

do i think she is stupid, thoughless or careless? no

do i want to see her struggle the rest of her life - no, not if i can help it?

have i raised her to be an incredible young woman who knows what she wants and isnt going to let anyone push her around? yes

is she still plagued by the same self-esteem issues that lead most girls to give in? yes

is she strong? yes

do i know, maybe better than most, that strong people have sometimes a greater need for love and acceptance and just want to hear for one minute that they dont have to be so strong? yes

do I trust her? yes - absolutely

does that mean I just disregard my gut instincts and allow her ample opportunity? no

I know what teenagers are capable of - I was one - and it wasn't that long ago
i have friends who are men who remember what it was like to be a teenage boy- friends who deal with the aftermath of that kind of thing every day - people who care so they give me shit
- it is their way of saying - hey - I know you are the mom who knows your kid - but be careful - you didnt get your tubes tied to raise a grandchild

she comes from fertile stock - both of my kids were born despite my best attempts and birth control

what if the same thing happens?

she doesnt have to like me - and she doesnt have to understand

she can say things like - great - now we have the same mother daughter relationship as everyone else I know - I thought you trusted me - I thought you were different

she can say it - and I know we have the same relationship we have always had

I know I know her - I also know that I still struggle with decisions when hormones are involved

so she doesnt like me - meh

I would like her to like me - but that isn't my job

my job is to get her to adulthood in as close to one piece as possible - use my experience and knowledge to protect her when i can - and hope she will learn from my mistakes

i know she has to make her own

i just dont have to make it easy

chinese delivery

I remember a day About a year ago now

I couldn't take one more thing
I couldn't handle one more need
I was done

I drove to your house - you let me in I just sat there on your couch - not talking - not listening. Just being there

Slowly I started to let it all go
The weight of all the balls I juggle
The stress of keeping my ducks in a row
The mask of control - the need to be strong - the fear of letting it down
I just let it all go

I sat on your couch
Pet the cats
Drank - laughed - cried

My phone rang - over and over
You turned off the ringer
The texts were flying

We ordered chinese for delivery - not for us but for my children a hundred miles away

I remember telling you I couldn't do it anymore - and that I just needed to be

You didn't want anything from me - you didn't ask for anything from me - you let me lay there - absolutely overwhelmed by the demands of my life - the voices of my world and the pressures of my day

You held me and for a minute I felt safe again

I remember that feeling today - how it felt to be held by someone who wanted nothing from me yet was willing to give just what I needed without asking

And most days I juggle well - I can hold it all together and my ducklings stay perfectly in line.

I miss that feeling

And today it is all I want

a fortunate accident

I spend my life with what ifs...... with watched words - with baited breath hoping someone else will open the door and then I can just walk thru

I like to be invited - I want someone else to match my risk

but it needs to be my risk - or it can't be my gain


I wrote that about a year ago - almost like a land mark - one I keep passing over and over

I thought I was walking in circles - coming back to the same place - over and over again - like I wasn't actually getting anywhere

and then I looked - it isn't that I wasn't getting anywhere - it isn't that I am walking in the same circles over and over again - it isn't that i am stuck - even though it feels that way

i simply am walking in ever narrowing circles around the goal

i keep passing the same landmark - only it gets farther away each time I pass it - and my destination seems to be getting closer.

i have to believe I am on my way - i dont know where - i just keep hoping i am not alone at the end of the road

the struggle to be alone -the desire not to be

Every now and again it occurs to me how hard I work to stay alone. I find when people want to love me, want to accept me, want to be part of my world that I push them away hard and fast. I find ways to pull away from them - cut them out - make real reasons that they cant be a part of my life and my world.

People tell me they like me - they love me - they want to be a part of my world and I dont understand why - I wonder what they are trying to pull or when they will pull the rug out from under me

and because i am convinced that will happen instead I choose to let people love me who have no intention of loving me back - they may use me - they may want or need me - but they dont want to love me or let me love them back

the people who want to be part of my world - who want to love me for who i am - who want to be a part of me - they are the ones i walk away from waiting for the pain

the ones i know will hurt me i hang around and wait for the pain - and it comes - and then they tell me how they are sorry and how they are not ready for or worthy of my love

see - it is work to stay alone

it is work to make sure that I stay alone - and the work is making me so tired

i dont want to be alone anymore

but i dont know how to stop the knee jerk reaction that keeps me safe- or rather gave me the lie of safety

i caught myself this time - i told the folks i was pushing awy that i knew i was pushing

and i wonder if that is why i have been alone so long - because when folks come in my world i walk away and push away

and when i see someone who i know will bring me pain i jump in and volunteer for punching bag duty

i think the scariest place to be is where I see the road I have been traveling - I see the circles I have been walking and know that in order to have what I want I need to step off the path and be willing to explore where I havent been before

damn that grass is tall

loving Maugham......

today I read these words...

"You know, there are two good thins in life, freedom of thought and freedom of action. In France you get freedom of action; you can do what you like and nobody bothers, but you must think like everyone else. In Germany you must do what everybody else does, but you may think as you choose. They're both very god things. I personally prefer freedom of thought. But in England you get neither: you're ground down by convention. You can't think as you like and you can't act as you like. That is because it's a democratic nation. I expect America's worse."

Wow - what a great thought. I am finding a lot I enjoy in On Human Bondage -
I am finding a million words and ideas that get my little brain thinking. Descriptions of young Phillip as he grows up and the way his mind works with and against his body - or actually his foot

but this idea that you can have freedom of thought OR freedom of action - but not both

that is sticking - stuck all afternoon actually and finally brought me here to try and work it out.

I know that modern times tell you that you can have both - that you can live your life as you wish between your ears adn in your world - but can you?

there are costs for living life as you wish - there is a price for thinking for yourself - for not conforming to the world around you - and if that world is a good place then the risk isn't so great - you think and behave as the good folks around you and you can live a pleasant life

if you think and behave in a way that causes others to be uncomfortable then there is a price

so I was telling a friend that my sister came home for christmas with a surprise - a little decoration in her lower lip. I told him that I was worried for her - she was entering a nursing career and the rules on the floor are so strict - heck it is even hard to be an ugly nurse - let alone a nurse who has chosen to express some individuality

his response was - oh so you have something against piercings? because my fiance (who you are meeting in a day or so) has several

I was honest - no - I think the right piercing on the right face is down right hot - but I worry for my sister that she wont be able to find a job despite the fact that she is a fricking genius and no one can compare with her patient care skills - because of this sign of individuality

so - again freedom of thought and freedom of action

my hair is often the topic of conversation at work. Many love my hair - they love the expression - the colors - the vibrancy - the fact that it is "so you" - but my boss is always telling me - if your hair makes people uncomfortable then you have to work twice has hard to get to ground zero before you can even begin the sale - in sales it pays to be neutral

but I can't be neutral - it makes me feel lost

so freedom of thought or freedom of action

conformity

sticks and stones can break my bones

but words can never hurt me

what a load of shit we try and sell children!

Words hurt - they hurt worse than just about anything.

I would gladly take a beating before I ever subjected myself to hateful words willingly.

some of the worst wounds i have ever faced were words said to sting - to hurt - to cut deep - and the did

some became the rules i lived by - some became the things i believed about myself, even though i could never quite see what they were saying

and still i battle believing the words people say in anger, or fear, or hatred. I still battle balancing the good words I hear daily with the hateful words I hear every now and again

amazing how one person can say something completely callous and uncaring and regardless of how little that person knows me - or how little significance they have in my daily life those words ring out in my head over and over despite the fact that i have heard words to the contrary every day of my life over and over again

and the good words stay with you - but they dont speak as loudly

i can remember people telling me they love me
or i am beautiful
why do you hide those eyes behind those dark glasses
nothing shines as bright as your smile
days just seem brighter when you are around
i love to hear you laugh
no one makes me laugh like you do
thanks for being my friend
thanks for being my momm
i love you

and yet - when it is quiet - if I am not careful - if i dont banish them - if i am not on guard against them i hear

you are so ugly
why would anyone love you
you are so lucky that anyone loves you
i will be more popular if you are not my friend
its a good thing the kids look like me -life will be easier for them that way
dont you ever shut up
what makes you think anyone ever wants to hear anything you say
snausages
because i have gotten to know you on many levels, and none of them are attractive

but those things are not the truth - not even close
and when it really gets quiet - and i remember to listen to the voice in my heart instead of the voices stuck in my head i know that

when i listen to those that love me instead of those that intend to just hurt me

i know

but when someone tells my darling daughter that words can't hurt - i have to look at her and tell her the truth

be careful what you say - you can't take it back - and words hurt harder and longer than any fist - any kick - any punch - any blow you will ever receive

I can also tell her that she can choose to believe what she wants

she can believe what she knows in her heart - or let the hateful words of petty pre-teens, angsty teenagers or angry sisters change who she believes herself to be.

sometimes there is a lesson in angry words - somethign to learn about how you react to things when you are reacting from fear -how you react to the world around you -

but never are there lessons to be learned about who you are at heart

never should you base your opinion of yourself on such hateful words
never should you judge your heart on those words
and never should you believe them about yourself - if you know that when you let your guard down - live in the moment and live in love you are a very different person