reality

My hope is this makes it better for you
My hope is this makes it easier for you
My hope is that by limiting your contact with the world your world can become a safer place
My hope is you will sleep better, you will feel better and the panic that shuts you down will subside

My hope is this will get better for me
My hope is it will get easier for me
My hope is this gaping hole you left will mend and fill and the scar tissue will make it stronger
My hope is that reality sets in soon so I can learn to not hope so much

And somewhere I hope you will miss me too

list makers unite

I love lists - always have.

When things go haywire - too many irons in the fire - too much to think about - too many things I want to accomplish - I sit down put pen to paper and make a list.

I love the clarity it puts to things - that feeling of success as I cross things off - I heard recently of someone who keeps a dry erase board around for those ideas that come out of nowhere. I like the idea - thinking I want one for my bedroom....a place to make my list and let my goals greet me each morning.

I pulled out a list I made a year or so ago at the encouragement of a friend of mine. The instruction was to make a list of the characteristics I would find in a perfect match - the things I deserve that I knew I wanted in a partner. Looking at that list tonight I realize how repetitive I was making that list - probably because she insisted it be 100 items long.

I also realized everyone I have met since making that list has been measured by it - which in and of itself is not a bad thing at all - reminded me where my priorities lie, what is important and what I am not willing to give up - or who I am not willing to give up on.....mostly myself

getting outta my head

I have been living in my head for a week or so now. I know its a bad place to be. I know nothing is ever accomplished by staying there. I know I can't keep up with the things that fly thru there and that the voices of my heart get mixed in with the voice of ego and I can't sort them out.

I can hear my heart telling me I need to take a risk. I can hear my heart telling me that nothing good ever came from sitting on the sidelines and waiting for an opportunity - I know playing it safe is a sure fire way to end up with nothing but an illusion of safety and a lot of misery.

I know I have always managed to find my way into the right place - to make good things happen - and that fear is guarenteed to keep me from accomplishing nothing.

So its time to put myself out there.

Wish me luck

a moment with alton brown

So I wish I could find something that would slow my brain down long term. Meditation works for an hour or two - journaling takes one pot off the burner but won't shut down the litchen - making lists puts order to things, but doesn't stop the simmering - and I never let myself get drunk enough to make it stop...and the things I turned to in my youth carry too high a price to monkey around with these days....two sets of big blue eyes remind me daily that I am the only one who has their back - so I need to stay available for them.

But on days like today I would pay someone to reach in and shut off the computer. Parenting decisions mix with life decisions mix with finance which leads to housing and sibling relations - that mixes with relationships and friendships and fears that our new found coping solution will lead to an over-extension and deadlines and patience and desires and wishes and dreams and schools and anxieties and well you get the idea. Sad thing is that is just the tip of the iceburg.

I can't imagine how life would be without my brain working the way it does - but somedays I wish it would whisper instead of shout. I wish it worked like a crock pot - mix it set it and forget it. Instead I seem to have several sauce pans with a dozen delicate sauces going at once - and I can't seem to let them go for fear the sauce will break without constant attention.

I need to figure out how to quit making hollindaise and start making country gravy. Hardier stuff - doesn't break :)

dinks

You ever meet that couple? Both from solid backgrounds, good families - nice childhood - good education - they hold the degrees they want to and have done what they wanted with them. They have been married for several years and always talk about having children - but there is always something they need to do first. They wanted to be young and married first - travel and spend time together - then they need to establish careers first - make a stable financial environment so their kid would want for nothing - then they need to buy the house - and have the cars - and now they are too busy at work - and when they have the house and the car and the portfolio and the experience the economy takes a shit and they just don't know if it is wise to bring a kid into this world where everything is so uncertain. Then she hears the clock start ticking and she decides its time to move ahead - reluctantly he agrees - but now she is having trouble conceiving - her eggs are too old - things don't work the way they did when the body was ready to have babies in her 20s - they spend years and countless dollars in their quest to have atleast one of the four children they dreamed of - and toil and stress over adoption....what was to be joy is heartache and struggle - cause they waited till they had all their ducks in a row

See - its never perfect - its never gonna be just the right time - there will never be an anwer to every question - and things will never be perfectly in place. Sometimes you have to look at the possibilities - decide you want that more than you don't and jump - and pray that someone throws out a net to catch you.

Walking this fine line between hope and reality sucks - especially when you are half way there, your arms are quivering from holding the bar and you just don't know if you will make it across...despite the fact that you know what you have been working for is within your reach

Sometimes you struggle - sometimes it takes everything you have to hold on. And every now and again you have to reach out and know that someone is going to be there to believe enough for both of you - until you can believe it for yourself.

Hope and optimism open me up for hurt and failure. That is scary shit right there. To want something and not do anything about it - seems safe....but really its just ensuring my lonliness and fear will remain. Then again - ignoring reality and not acknowledging that maybe I am just not worth the risk.....no - that isn't it. Not even gonna let myself go there.

The river isn't doing its job today - too many things floating around in my head. Things I thought I had a handle on - things I thought I set myself straight on - all stirred up again - and I stand here - my hand stretched out - believing with everything I am that its worth the jump....but I can't take this jump alone - and I can't make anyone believe that I'm worth the risk - and I can't promise that there will be a time when it is perfect.

she is important to you - and you are important to me

therefore if a=b and b=c I gotta give her another chance

a lot of talk about forgiveness lately. There are three different social circles, I guess you can say, in which this has come up for dicsussion. In quiet private conversations and in group discussions. in reference to forgiving oneself, forgiving another, and forgiveness of a more global nature.

I have always had no trouble forgiving others, and forgiving globally I can do it - the one I always struggle with is forgiving myself. Learned how to do that almost 2 years ago now, and it is the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I don't care how you define it, or under what context or set of rules you choose to condemn yourself, or your justification of why it is necessary - fact remains that until you can look at the things you have done, accept them for what they were - pick up the lessons and the pieces and identify what was gained and then move forward you will forever be stuck there.
Not forgiving someone, or yourself, is like packing up all your shit in a uhaul trailer and dragging it around with you from day to day. Every person you meet, every relationship you enter, every encounter you have you put that shit infront of you and then expect the other person to move around it, thru it or just walk away because it is too much to deal with.

its like hey - I know you treated me badly - and I know we need to find a way to work thru this or we wont be able to function in this circle we have both invested in - but everytime I talk to you I am going to first catalogue your transgressions so I can keep them fresh in my mind incase you do it again. Yeah - that's gonna work.

imagine if that were a conversation with yourself?

talk about living behind walls.....and if someone wants to be that alone and miserable it doesnt matter what you see in them or how badly you would like to convince them otherwise, until they can make peace with themselves all you can do is remind them what you see and why you think they are worth the effort.

problem is I have learned that people all have layers - like ogres or onions (or cake)

there is the mask they put on for the rest of the world - most people can see right thru that mask, but we work hard at keeping it on cause we are afraid if people see who we really are they might not like us.

but people see right thru that mask and see our core - they see who we are - what we are made of - what is in our heart and what makes us tick. They know if we are worth the effort or not - they see us in our purity and possibility. A good friend will ignore the mask and put their faith and love into who you are - despite how badly you fight to insist on teh mask.

problem is between the mask and who we are we have to look out thru a veil of our past. We look out and all we can see are our sins and mistakes, the hateful things we said or were said to us, the anger, the frustration, the things people did to us in the name of love or hate- we look out and see them every day - and we are terrified people will see that in us - or even worse that people will think we are our sins - that we are our mistakes - that there is a fatal flaw because a decent person would never allow this to happen to them- funny thing is people always seem to see the truth -good and bad - I think we are just too afraid to listen - well I should I say I know often I am

that is why forgiveness is amazing - not to get too religious - but that is why most faiths are based on the idea of a forgiving and a loving God. In Christianity we receive the ultimate forgiveness thru the ultimate sacrifice - God's only son - if you accept it and believe it - then it is yours as is God's kingdom- in Buddhism it is believed forgiveness is a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from wreaking havoc on your mental being - for when you live focusing on your transgressions you just ensure that they will repeat themselves - thru forgiveness you can live a peaceful life and help bring peace to those around you - in Hinduism atonement is practiced and thru atonement forgiveness is received. you can make atonement to yourself or to others - much like the practice in AA....first you have to be willing to make ammends, and you begin the hard work making sure you have made ammends when it wont cause further harm - I have often heard it referred to as cleaning up your side of the street. They can accept your offer or no - and you cant make them clean up their side of things, but knowing you extended the effort can allow you to begin the process of forgiving yourself, and others. The simple act of atonement (especially when you are forgiven) helps lead to forgivness of yourself for the wrongs you did while addicted which allows you to move forward - I could go on - every major religion or school of thought has a component of forgiveness - for as long as we chose to bear our burdon we cant let in the saving power of any diety regardless of how powerful they are.

a seat in hell is reserved for everyone who chooses it -and I have read enough bibles to know it isnt necessarily by their actions, deeds or thought - but often by their choice to continue chosing those actions - by their refusal to accept the grace that has been extended thru faith and their unwillingness to love and forgive themselves as those around them have already done.

Everyone is sent angels - reminders of God love - reminders of the great possibilities of living in the moment every day......hard part is to recognize them and accept them...and heaven forbid listen to them

I made a contract with myself when I went thru that seminar a year ago. Things I often forget about myself - you see it here from time to time, and on my facebook, or just as a sig line on my email.

I forgave myself for the bad choices I made, the things I put myself and my children thru, the times I didnt love and respect myself and allowed myself to be disrespected by those around me. I promised to remember that I am a beautiful, trusting, indomidable and worthy woman. I forget that sometimes and fall back into old patterns, but I am trying.

hmmmm - wonder what we will all be talking about next week?

Very very interesting

Not sure why I am writing publically so much lately. I never seem to be able to put this stuff into words when I am talking to friends, and I have filled pages in my journal this morning on the topic, but I can't let it go yet. Somehow this is different - hopefully different enough.

Got an interesting email the other day. Background - I am not good at standing up for myself. I will accommodate people till I have given everything and never ask for my moment. I often know exactly what I need to do, and won't follow thru on it for any reason, cause I am afraid to make waves. Funny how I am exactly the opposite in my professional world. Anyway, the email. It was from a guy I dated after my divorce. In it he talks about his recent attempt at starting something again. I avoided him, caved up and played hermit. Didn't answer his phone calls. One word responses to his texts, avoided any reason to go to where he was, and when I did have to go I made sure I was with friends so I had a barrier.

I know why I wasn't interested in rekindling things, but his perspective on the matter was interesting. He nailed it as a worthyness issue. That I didn't feel that I deserved to be treated well. That I didn't feel like I should be among the priorities in someones world. That I was okay taking a backseat to jobs and kids and hobbies and anyone who would make me important in their world was out of luck - cause I would cling to someone who ignores me.

Huh - I hate to admit it, but I have always struggled with worthyness - but I don't know if he is on the mark here. I have no problem taking a back seat to kids - kids need to come first! I don't really believe I need to be the center focus of anyones world. I just want to be part of the inner circle. Live your day - fill it - and if at the end of the night you come home and want to share it with me then I am good - cause chances are I will have been out doing my thing too.

There are many reasons I did not want to rekindle that relationship....but I wonder - will I ever put effort into dating someone who treats me the way he claims I should be treated? Will I ever be able to let go of my independence enough to completely let someone in? Even if I meet someone and they start out paying me the kind of attention most women expect - I think my lack of need to be the focus and undemanding nature leads to them quickly change the focus to themselves....or maybe I am still making bad choices :)

I don't know - I recently discovered that I am not as okaywith being alone as I once was. In conversations with my daughter I have also discovered she feels I am either a good executive or a good mom. She then went onto clarify that even when being a bad mom I am far better than most of the mom population - she just misses the kind of mom I was when I stayed home and it was my only job. I think I view dating the same way - how do I maintain my independence and open myself up to someone.

Too many thoughts swimming around in my little head today. Taking them for a walk along the levy. Bringing a towell to dry my park bench and see if I can straighten it out. Didn't want to be dating again when I found myself in the process....and then I wasn't.....and now I wish I were. Backwards huh